Tuesday, December 6, 2016

There's Always Someone

There is always someone that wants to be Switzerland! They always want to be neutral party, not to ripple the waves to stay clear of any massive waves possibly coming down the pike.

My dad always played Switzerland! Which often confused me greatly. While at work, he never played neutral when prosecuting a criminal. He had no problem slamming someone in jail. He pushed and pushed each case he had not so much in a desperate fashion, but in a strong boisterous monotone that would make anyone cringe.

One of my greatest joys as a young girl was to go visit my dad while he was in court doing what he does best. I would sneak in and watch him slamming each person on the witness stand cross examining them to the point of breaking yelling out that they did commit the crime. I would watch some of the toughest men that walked around either killing, raping, murdering, to the brink of the tears.

Yet, at home, he was always neutral. I often wondered how he can turn his day from pilfering through criminals on a daily basis to being this doting loving father. I learned rather quickly that three men Johnny, Jack, and Jose three bottles that always took him from being the beastly man to a calm and quite man. Every night he would pour whichever one suited him the best at the time slowly sipping on the small glass while reading his court papers to then slumbering hunched over in the chair snoring away.

My dad was always conflicted at letting the girls Savi and Sara spend time with Rick. He wanted to do the right thing yet, he was at his breaking point of wanting to put this man in jail. My mom and him had began fighting over this over and over which went from one to two nights a week to almost nightly now. I continued to live in fear always looking over my shoulder no matter where I went. I had this constant nagging feeling that someone was always watching me.

Savi was acting out more and more each day not being able to see her dad. She always cried for her dad while Sara did the absolute opposite. I rarely slept the entire night always waking wondering if Rick was just blocks away or if he was somewhere lingering near the house.

The day I was to appear in court with all this new information of Rick living under the house taunting our family, giving the appearance of wanting to take Savi from us. When and if Rick did ever show up I would become so irate and so unhinged at the seams I feared the worst, Rick taking the girls and never returning ever again. My dad was beginning to sense that as well.

The judge I had was a new judge and once he examined all the evidence behind closed doors he finally reappeared giving his new ruling.

"The father of your kids is not have anymore visitation in removing the kids from the home. He will for now, until he proves he is no longer a threat to you and your family, be granted with monitored visits within the home. He is to no longer remove the children from home or to take them anywhere."

Once my mother learned of the newest court ruling, that of course created such horrible stress within the family. When my brother who was the constant guardian of my mom and dad learned of the newest court ruling he just became this massive cobra winding out of his wicker basket searching to strike his victim which of course was me. He always had something to say and when he did, he was relentless to his thoughts and words. Basically, he had no filter whatsoever. Blaming me for having kids and living at home was something he often felt he had the God given right to curse me over.

"If you would of kept your damn legs shut then mom and dad would never be going through this, but you chose to do something that we as kids were never taught to do, have kids out of wedlock. Hope your proud of yourself. Now, you left mom and dad financially responsible for two kids they don't want to be responsible for, good going sis."

For me, it seemed no matter where I turned, how I lived, how hard I struggled, how much I tried, the punches just kept coming. If it wasn't coming from my asshole brother, it was coming from either the judge, my parents, Rick, one court contingency after the next, and I was getting ready to boil over. I had finally reached my breaking point AGAIN!!

I seem to always find my center of the world by crawling into the bedroom closet sliding the doors shut and weeping. I would cry to the point of snot running down my chin followed by absolute sheer exhaustion. A couple of times my mom would find me and question why I was in the closet. Her less than understanding attitude often just made things worse. I had no friends, I had no release of ever going out, I was home both day and night taking care of two daughters that I had loved so deeply. No matter the amount of efforts I put into Savi who was now going on three the more I tried to love her, she found more reasons to not be next to me.

I was losing Savi rather quickly she was just slipping through my fingertips. Savi just found her happiness with both my parents especially my mom. There was a couple of times she even called my mom "mom" and we quickly corrected her telling her "no, this is Nana, I am your mommy" but Savi continued to call her mom no matter how many times we all corrected her. It was just this jab to my heart.

I needed to get out, I needed to get away, I needed to find my peace and happiness somewhere and I was determined to find it no matter who I hurt.