Sunday, December 18, 2016

Some of the most hardest things.....

To often when dealing with the past, it can be the hardest thing to share, talk about, acceptance along with guilt. It can flood our memories far more worse then a massive flood taking out an entire town. When we dare to open up about the past memories that have caused such pain in our very lives it can or will create sleepiness nights, guilt can creep back into our lives that can be far more worse then a would be robber creeping through our very own home.

To often when we are flooded with such pain we like to think that we buried it wanting to never disturb those memories ever again. But from the most experienced to inexperienced therapist they often tell us, "opening up your mind to such pain is a way of healing, it is a way of accepting what happened in our past so that our future is far more brighter."  

This is a part of my life that I wish never happened, I wished it would just go away, but, I will die with the guilt, I will be buried with the memories of what happened.

His Name is Daniel

When I was living with my parents along with Savi and Sara, time and life was taking such a toll on both of my mom and dad. I had managed to get a job working as a waitress at a local restaurant and each time I worked it meant that whoever was home either mom or dad, ended up babysitting. The little puns and hurtful words from my mom and dad were getting worse and worse. I had developed a friendship with one of the girls at the restaurant named Cheryl. 

We hit it off so good. It was an instant friendship. She lived on her own with her boyfriend Ted. They had the cutest apartment together. I was constantly with them and when I was I had my babies in tow just as much. I tried really hard to never leave the girls behind no matter where I went. I was always trying to give my parents some breathing room from both the girls. 

My parents were beginning to feel like hostages within their own house from either babysitting while I was work and missing out on the life they worked so hard to have once retirement become real. I was beginning to miss the single life and wishing I could take a break from being a mom. Rick was still non existent in the girls life until one day I did the unthinkable....

I called Rick asking him if he wants to take the girls for a while and have them live with him. It was something that no mother in her right mind would ever do but I was not in my right mind. I was flooded with guilt from my parents and freedom was ringing in my ears louder then a town crier running around ringing a bell. So, I loaded up the kids with Ted in his truck and the girls, and dropped them off at Ricks. I remember looking back at the girls and watching them scream and cry for me, "MOMMY, MOMMY COME BACK" as I drove away. 

Once my parents learned what I did OH MY GOD, the anger that flooded them, they were so pissed at me. But I tried explaining to them that now they can actually do that retirement, they can now travel, I was trying to do the right thing, but the conversation went from bad to worse. I kept telling myself it was the best thing for everyone involved. I kept telling myself it was okay that I did this but as I kept telling myself this I recognized very quickly that I was the only one having this conversation with myself. I know now that I was trying to find acceptance within my own heart of what I did to the girls. 

I just didn't want to be a mom anymore. I missed my freedom. I went from being married, to getting divorced, to finding Rick then to a battered woman then to a mother, then to feeling like I was chained into a life I thought I didn't want. I felt so confined. Right after I moved the girls to Ricks house, my parents informed me that I needed to move out. So, I rented a room from Cheryl and moved in. My parents disowned me and barely spoke to me. The harder I worked at both of them the angrier they got with me. I knew that I needed time with them, and time would heal all wounds right? 

Then I met Daniel, I was at home on my day off from the restaurant when the phone rang at the house. I answered and it was someone looking for someone else with a wrong number. He excused himself and then within seconds he called back again and once again I told him he had the wrong number still.  

The third time he called I found myself liking his voice he had this sexy mysterious voice and a great laugh. We ended up talking for hours on the phone which then turned into wanting to meet each other. The next day Daniel showed up at the apartment. I was surprised at how handsome he was. I was surprised that he was even single. We went out for coffee and talked from the early afternoon to late in the evening. From that day on we saw each other non-stop. We had so much in common. He too had a little boy named Daniel Junior. He was the same age as Savi at the time five years of age. 

Our dating turned from weeks into months, into one year. Finally we decided to move in with each other. Daniel was proving that he was a great father. He was the coach on his son's little league team, his soccer team, he was a very involved father. That was when I began to really miss my daughters. I was missing that connection with them, I was now suddenly missing being a mom. I was missing their hugs, their laughter, their love for me. 

Daniel began insisting on moving the girls in with us I was so excited when he finally brought it up. I was so excited to finally find a man who wanted to have my girls with me. I had contacted a lawyer and he told me because no papers were signed on Rick taking the girls I still had sole and physical custody of the girls and I could go and take them from him whenever I wanted to. So, that is what I did, I went with Daniel and moved the girls to me with me again. 

That is what brought my parents back into my life. They were more than happy to talk to me once again. They had come to really like Daniel and felt like I finally found a great guy. They approved of him big time. They even liked his son. It was as if we were this perfect little family. 

Until it happened......

Daniel was beginning to act different, he was changing and I couldn't figure out why. Our great relationship was turning into fights almost nightly. He began staying out until late in the night. We just fought so much. I was so scared, I was fearful, I was frightened. I was beginning to have memories of what it was like to live with Rick once again. We stopped doing things together, he stopped coaching his son's sporting events, he just became different. I couldn't put my finger on it until that one night. 

I found him in the garage inside of his truck doing cocaine lines. I freaked out on him and began yelling and screaming at him. It suddenly made sense, all his bad behavior suddenly made sense. Even the girls were acting up each and every time he walked into the room. The girls began to hide from him, Sara cried every time she saw him, she would cling to me like saran wrap. Savi would run and hide in her closet. 

I went from having this great job, having money in the bank, a great guy, my mom and dad back in my life, to suddenly finding him doing cocaine and the girls acting up each time they both saw him. Daniel Junior was barely around anymore and my life was just spinning out of control again. 

Then one night every thing came full circle. I put the girls to bed and both of them begged for me to sleep with them, they cried and cried and begged and begged for me to sleep with them. I tried to console the girls telling them all was okay I was just in the next room and it didn't matter to them, they still begged and pleaded with me. I just couldn't understand no matter how many times I tried to piece the puzzle together none of the pieces just fit. It was as if I had blinders on. When Daniel and I were in bed and I was trying to find some way to bring up the cocaine incident to talk to him about it, we just ended up fighting once again. I had given up and just fallen a sleep but then something woke me up in the night. 

I looked over on Daniels side of the bed and he was gone. I checked the time, it was two-thirty in the morning. I of course began to wonder where he was. I climbed out of bed and left the bedroom when I noticed right across from our bedroom was the girls room and their bedroom door was closed. They never slept with the door closed, they hated that the door was ever closed. 

And that is when I found him.....