Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Part Two...How Life Continues



I am a true believer when it comes to searching for the crystal ball of life. I have often said, "I wish we could have someone walk up and tell us I have the "Crystal Ball of Life", would you care to see your future?" When I refer to being a true believer, I believe if we had a true glimpse into our very own future one hundred and ten percent of us would do things differently.

But life is in fact "Finding Your Path" we all have choices in life, what we do with those choices is a different story. For myself, and only for myself, I had proven time and time again to be a welcome mat for anyone that crossed my path. I could easily be railroaded into doing something I never wanted to do, people shamed me and I just took it. My self esteem was the lowest of all lows. Women and men alike often turn to anyone for approval when we cannot find approval within ourselves.

Explaining to my parents I was now facing a divorce after being married for six weeks, well I will say this, I never knew my mom she could cuss like that. My mom threw out "F" bombs as if she was the corporal of an all out world war. I have always told so many people, "you never want to piss off my mom, it's like dealing with all four ranks of the military at war all at once." 

Telling my parents I had met someone new was the last thing on my bucket list of life to be checked off. Now not only did I have one secret I had to keep to myself but I had to keep it a secret of what he did to me. My father was a firm believer that any man who hits a woman is a coward, he is not a man, he is in no sense any where near being a man.

I remember the next morning after the very first hit, I woke up to Rick being gone from the bed. I got up and tip-toed out to the living room thinking he might be there. It was a small one bedroom apartment he couldn't of gone far. But there was no Rick, there was no letter explaining where he was. I felt a flood of relief that he was gone. My inner voices were battling within my head I was so confused I felt lost, I felt alone riddled with shame but those voices continued yelling so loudly one telling me to run, get the hell out, the other telling me to love him, that your love will change him, to give a him a chance because he promised he wouldn't do it again.

When I entered the bathroom to brush my teeth that was when I was utterly shocked at the reflection looking back at me. The left side of my face was now turning black and blue from the direct hit given to me by the man that claimed he loved me. My heart just sank to my stomach, I had leaned in closer to get a better look and noticed that there were broken blood vessels to my cheek. I could feel my anger rising but then I could feel the raging anger being cooled at the thought of this man loving me.

As I tried to continue to brush my teeth just the motion of opening my mouth hurt so badly. I gently brushed my teeth and just went with the pain. When I was done, I gently wiped my mouth still feeling the stinging sensation like my skin was on fire. The apartment was so quiet I suddenly longed to be living alone, I suddenly wished I had my life back but looking around there was so much of Rick that filled this apartment in haunting way.

My thoughts and emotions were interrupted with a knock at the door. I couldn't answer it, I couldn't let someone see me like this. What would they think of me, what would they say. I just sat on the couch and waited for them to leave but they continued to knock, they continued to ring the small black doorbell on the front door.

"Special delivery, I have a letter for you." shouted the mans voice through the front door. I tip toed to the front door shouting back for him to just leave it I would get it later. I could hear him wedging it between the door and the door frame then listening to his foot steps walking away. When I thought he was gone I cracked open the door seeing the letter falling to the ground. I grabbed it and noticed it was addressed to me.

When I opened it I noticed it was a letter from a lady named Joanne.

Dear Diane, 

You don't know me but I found out that you are now living with Rick. I had a long term relationship with him and I wanted to let you know that he is not the man he claims to be. Whatever you do, do not show this letter to him or let him know I am writing to you. You will pay the price for him knowing I wrote to you. I wanted to let you know exactly what he did to me. You need to be aware of who this man really is. 

Two years ago I love the vision out of my right eye because of Rick. We got into a fight and he took the back to one of my high heels and threw it at my face which then hit my eye. My eye started bleeding and within a matter of a few hours, I could no longer see out of my eye. I have been legally declared blind in my left eye and my life has never been the same. 

This man has been to prison for robbery, for domestic violence, abuse, drugs, the list goes on and on. I have promised myself if I ever learn of Rick being with someone I would do all I could to inform his new girlfriend of what he did to me and urge her to break up and get out. At the bottom of this letter is my phone number. I will help you get out, I will help you move, I will help you with the police, I will do what I can you have my word. 

Joanne. 

I remember sitting there first stunned then shocked at the letter. Who was this lady and how did she know who I was let alone get my address? I kept reading the letter over and over even more shocked that Rick had been to jail for robbery, domestic violence and drugs? I gasped at the thought of wondering who this man was that I now shared a bed with.

I remember my hands beginning to tremble as I held the mystery letter from a woman I never knew. I kept wondering if in fact the letter was true. The secrets this man was keeping, why, why would this man keep this from me? What else was there about this man I didn't know. How did this woman get my address? I was filled with so many questions that needed answers.

I remember just being numb once again. I had experienced so much numbness to my heart while growing up and now it has found me yet once again. I didn't know what to think but if I had any common sense, I would have ran, but instead for some reason, I felt I needed to stay. I felt that the mystical magical ways of love I had for him would tame his evil ways. Had I now become the lion tamer within the circus? Was Rick the roaring male lion sitting upon his perch his mane full of hair growling at me while showing his snarling gashing teeth and I before him with my whip snapping it yelling "HEAL YOU BEAST!" 

My thoughts of being the lion tamer was interrupted by the sound of keys to the front door. I flew into a panic while holding the letter. My breathing rapid, my fear kicked into high gear I shoved the letter between the cushions of the couch deeply buried so he could never find the letter. As Rick entered he suddenly became the stranger to me. He was no longer the man I had met while on break inside the hotel.

I was so taken back by the letter I had forgotten how my face looked I jumped up from the couch not trying to be so obvious I was now frightened for my life. Rick entered walking up to kiss my face then looked at me his eyes filled with sadness. He seemed to appear to be tenderhearted looking at me. He placed his hands on me then without warning, without any notice I couldn't believe what he said.

"You know, if you would have listened to me about that box, then you wouldn't have driven me to slap you. All you had to do was listen to me and you chose not to. Maybe next time you will."

His words were so cold, so matter of fact, I couldn't believe he was blaming me. It was as if I no longer had a voice. I began to back track to the box, that stupid box that caused this desperately thinking what I said, what was it that pissed him so badly? I couldn't think, my mind was tossing around first the fight, then the slap, now the letter, and information I had on him that I could never share.

"I know how to cover that up to make it look like nothing happened. Where is your make-up, I can teach you how to cover that up it super easy."

I remember gasping with shock that he knew that. Is that what he did to Joanne, did he teach her the same as well. How many other women did he do this too. I shivered in fear as he took my hand to the bathroom then taking out my foundation and dabbing it and covering it so well, it had appeared that nothing ever happened to my face.

When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I longer saw my face looking back at me. I never felt so alone in my life. How do I explain to my father a prosecuting deputy district attorney who spent more than thirty years putting criminals away about this man?

For that brief moment, I felt so alone.