Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Part Six...acceptance

Acceptance, it is the humanistic craving that we all seek. Would one go so far as to say that acceptance means more rules which then leads to conforming to those rule which then ultimately means acceptance equals conformist? I could feel myself being pulled in every single direction no matter where I turned. I was craving the acceptance of my pregnancy with my parents, with Rick and most of all, myself.

I never felt more alone in my life. I felt defeated, I felt as if I was in my own war battling the evil of what comes before me. I had now become my own worst enemy. The only hope I had was this little baby growing inside of me. Would this little baby be the missing link to my life? Would it create a welcoming feeling to both my parents as well as Rick?

I had finally told my mom and dad you should of seen the look on my mom's eyes. I could tell immediately that it was the worst news that any parent can hear. She begged me not to have this baby to have an abortion. She pleaded over and over reminding me through every sentence that I would be stuck with this asshole no matter what. My dad of course just stood there numb unsure what to say.

Every single effort to ease the discouraging painful words of my mom, I was cut off by the painful looks of my mother as she stood there be raiding me with her venom then glancing at my father, the blank stares so emotionless.

Then it finally came out, my mom spoke...

"You are just about the biggest disappointment that any parent would ever want."

I just remember standing there not sure what to say, no sure if she understood or even cared at the very depths of her hateful words. Feeling defeated of their final end of loving me, I just turned and gathered my things then headed for the door, climbed into my car and left.

"Well, how did it go, was daddy dear so accepting of your news?" asked Rick's with his always uncaring demeanor sarcasm.

I dropped my things on the floor not caring where they land. I turned to see Rick and with all my hurt, with all my pain, I had my moms very words slap me in my face. Yes, he was the biggest disappointment to any woman.

"Shut up Rick, just shut the hell up, I'm going to lay down and I don't want to be bothered. Just leave me the hell alone for a while."

I turned not caring what he thought, what he felt or what he was about to do to me. I could hear him behind me taking a leaping lunge in my direction and suddenly I just snapped. I turned to face him and I took my stance, I dug my feet into the ground then clenching both my fist. Anger was rippling through my veins. I could feel my eyes begin to bulge from my head as I stood there quivering in both anger and fear.

"Go ahead, hit me, isn't that what you do best?" I yelled so sharply. I could feel the veins in neck go from bulging to a pulsating throb.

"Hit, me, I know you want to so just do it and get it over with."I profoundly yelled.  As I stood there giving him direction to hit me I began to pick anything up in arms reach then throwing it across the room in what seemed to be the similar speed of a baseball pitcher watching it come in contact with the wall then shattering into both big and small pieces. When I ran out of things within reach I lunged for other things tossing them from side to side.

Rick tackled me grabbing me then clutching me tightly to stop me from destroying everything in the house. I began to sob uncontrollably. I began to melt in his arms, "why won't someone love me, why does everyone hate me, all I ever wanted was just to have you love me and all you want to do is hurt me and for what?"

I felt like a confined lioness in her cage pacing back and forth with only so much room to breath and move about. My world was crashing down on me at such a rapid speed and I was allowing it to take me down with it. I was tired of fighting the fight, I was ready to surrender to wave my white flag and allow death to finally take me.

"I promise things will be okay." said Rick in what seemed to be almost human like almost reassuring in a gentle loving voice.

I pulled away wondering if he understood those very words but yet, only time will tell won't they?