Monday, November 7, 2016

Part One...How I Met HIM!


It is not like we seek it out. It is not as if someone gives us a map with a flash light along with hints for us to seek and find it. It is not as if we wake up each day and are excited or eager with  joy to face this.

No, this actually finds us. It can narrow us down and follow us then groom us to the lifestyle of which we will eventually live. We never expect this to find us, it is not sent by invitation or announcement. We don't understand it and we as women once upon a time were not educated to this. We see it outside of our small world but never expect it to happen to us. It is a form of a cancer to our body yet there is no radiation, there is no chemotherapy, there is no medicine for the pain of which cancer gives to us.

It is a secret we keep within ourselves for fear of someone knowing who we are. We become weak to it, we crumble like a deck of cards that is being built. We believe that we can change it, we believe that we can overcome this, stand by its side being devoted and caring. We cry at the pain but it does not make a difference. It still comes, it haunts us both day and night. It is unexpected, it is manipulated upon us, it causes us to shiver throughout our own body.

Some have died because of this, some have had the courage to leave, some have been forced to stay, some have survived, such as myself. We call ourselves survivors because we can tell the story.

This is my painful story may this help someone in need....

1988

I was trying like mad to find my first husband, since I dropped off the papers for our divorce he disappeared like a thief in the night no where to be found. No traces of his footsteps, no hints of his whereabouts. I searched far and wide only to face one dead end after another. During this time I had landed a job at one of the biggest hotel chains in the world. I was working inside the Cafe as a hostess and cashier. I worked closely with all the Sous Chefs, Pastry Chefs, Wanna-be Chefs, room service attendants and all levels of management.

Then it happened, I met Rick. Rick was just an ordinary everyday cook that longed to be a Sous Chef yet he wanted it handed to him on a silver platter feeling he deserved it with very little effort.

I was on my break when he came up and unexpectedly pushed the chair out to sit down beside me. His big strong body, roaring voice, massive hands that seemed so strong. His deep large oval black eyes, bold laugh, I fell for him hard right away. He was tall and sexy. He was secured with who he was or at least he played the game well.

I had found or made up reasons to go to the back kitchen just to get a glimpse of "HIM" I loved hearing his voice, it seemed to be so reassuring to my heart. I loved when he took the time to walk from behind the line to come and talk to me. He made me laugh, he made me giggle with glee, he made me feel important and special. Not long after meeting him we were seeing each other on a regular basis. We spent time together out of work and when we did work together, we took our breaks and lunches together.

Soon, we were an item working inside of the hotel. When he wrapped his arms around me it made me feel secure. His squeezes of hugs made my heart sing. I was falling so fast so hard for him. I wanted to blurt out "I love you, marry me" so badly, but I couldn't because I was still married.

Dates during the day turned to evening and the evenings turned to morning breakfast. Many of my friends told me he was perfect for me. We had the same things in common or most of the same things in common. The one thing we did not have in common, he was a drinker. I was okay with a few drinks but those few drinks turned from one bottle to the next bottle. I dismissed it due to fear of being alone. I turned my face away to not see it. I was similar to the horses in New York Central Park snuffling people around. As long at the horses had their blinders on and they couldn't see it, the horses life was fine.

I don't remember when I put on my blinders, but I did. I swallowed his drinking like someone drinking Cod Liver Oil. It was a horrible taste but I turned my back to him drinking. I accepted it and lived with it. I lived with his words of pain, I lived with his anger when he drank, I lived with his insensitive ways with each swig of hard liquor.

I was always such a strong person, I was always sure of what I was doing and where I was going and I don't remember how I lost my balance falling and surrendering to his lifestyle. When he drank I hated him, when he was sober he was a joy to be with. I had been living like this for four months. I hid it from my parents, my relatives, my close friends. I hid it from even myself.

We were living in the same house I shared with my first husband and I was never comfortable living there. I felt if we moved, it would be a fresh start, it would be a new beginning. For some reason I felt if we moved we could leave the drinking behind. It wouldn't follow us. It would remain within the small one bedroom I was now running from.

We found this great one bedroom apartment just three blocks from the beach. As we began the plan to move we both were filled with excitement, a new life, a new beginning. We both could hardly wait to get to the new place and once we did then beginning to settle in, that was when it happened.

We got into this argument over something I really don't remember to well. Something about a box and moving it in. He turned to me with red blazing rings of fire in his eyes, he turned from the son of Satan to Satan. I could see from the corner of my eyes him clenching his fist, I could see the muscles in his arms flexing, the grinding of his teeth, the snarling look upon his face. I remember stepping back at his look. A look I had never seen before.

My first instinct as a woman was to reach out and calm him because I loved him. I wanted to bring softness to his world. I wanted to take his pain away. Before I knew it I had hit the ground with such force and then came up so quickly. My face hurt so badly. It stung like burning fire. I cupped my hands to my face to comfort the burn.

I remember being in shock I remember trying to catch my breath. Then without warning he grabbed me clenching me close to his chest whispering how sorry he was. How much he loved me and it would never happen ever again. He begged my forgiveness pleading over and over how horrible he felt.

No one in my entire life ever struck me like that let alone with so much anger boiling over. The rest of the day Rick was live able. He acted as if nothing happened but in my mind the blow to my face was like a movie playing and rewinding over and over. The echoing sounds of the blow to my face was so loud I couldn't hear anything he was saying. I could look at him and see his mouth moving, speaking words but I didn't hear the words.

Being that he was a cook at the hotel, he proved to be even a better cook at home. He spoiled me rotten that night making me the most delicious meal. He laid out the dinner table with beautiful candles,  playing romantic music while holding my hand so gently during dinner reminiscing how we met. He did the dishes, emptied the trash and refused to let me do anything.

Once dinner was over he took me to the couch covered me gently with a blanket and then clicked on the television to watch a movie I knew he hated but I loved. He sat next me molding me into his body kissing my head whispering how much he loved me. He continued to utter the words, "I am so very sorry, that will never happen again" I wanted to believe him, I wanted to trust him but the fear in me was still bigger than I could handle. I could feel my heart shaking still, I could feel my nerves cranking in my body wondering if in fact this would ever happen again.

Once the evening was over he pulled the blanket off of me and took me by the hand then leading me to the bedroom. He gently began to pull off my clothes kissing my neck then my lips. He gently moved his hand down to where he hit me which made me wince in pain. It still burned and I was wondering if in fact he broke something. I didn't move, I feared if I showed any pain it would set him off.

He slowly dropped my clothes to the ground then laying me on the bed. He made sweet love to me that night and without notice, without warning, I feel in love all over again.