Fall was fast approaching and I continued to still try to find a way to have this man love me. I was finding myself aching from pain while riddled with exhaustion. I had developed dark ugly circles under my eyes and my appearance of which my mom always repeated to me how I was this natural beauty was now diminishing so quickly.
My self-esteem had taken an all time low, I no longer laughed, I no longer sought out friends because I no longer knew how to be a friend to someone. I had managed to take the worst situation of my entire life and turn it into a fantasy while in public. I would hold his hand on que, kiss him on que, and hug him on que as if trying to make him appear the ultimate winner for any woman to have.
I began noticing that with each morning I had woken up I was not feeling very well. I couldn't tell if it was just exhaustion or the flu. My parents were adjusting to me being with Rick and I had learned to cover up what he did to me very well. I had mastered the hidden talent of abuse. My father no longer brought up Ricks arrest record leaving me to feel I could finally inhale and exhale relief.
We both were invited to their Thanksgiving dinner and Rick of course didn't want to go. But we both went anyways and trust me, my dad watched Rick like a hawk soaring high peering down at the field mouse scattering for shelter yet waiting as the mouse tires out from the frantic running then swoop down clutching his dinner with his talons then killing it. He never took his eyes off Rick and I often could feel my moms burning eyes radiating through my entire body.
But I played the part very well. My dad mentioned to me that I was getting a little hippy. It seemed to him that I was gaining weight and directly asked me if I was pregnant. I was shocked at his direct question and quickly told him, "no, of course I'm not why would you think that?"
After we all ate our dinner, cleaned up and enjoyed the plenitude of desserts every one said their good byes. I was the first to quickly exit the house yet that drawing question of me possibly being pregnant flooded my mind on the way home.
Rick appeared to be quiet almost angry like and I made the mistake like always asking him if something was wrong.
"I just don't like when people ignore me it just pisses me off when people ignore me. No one wanted to talk to me no matter how hard I tried to talk to them they seemed to all turn their backs to me almost as if I did something wrong."
The voices in my head had quickly decided to flood my mind, "well of course they ignored you, your an asshole, what, you expected them to respect you? They would rather treat the family dog better than you because they all know exactly who you really are."
I didn't know what to say to his angry response so instead I just chose to act as if I didn't understand what he was saying. The night finally ended with us going to bed quietly and peacefully.
"When Morning Came"
My dads words of possibly being pregnant flooded my mind and I had feeling I was. As soon as Rick left for work I bolted down to the pharmacy on the corner grabbing a pregnancy test then rushing home. Once home I ripped open the box and peed on the stick.
Within seconds it had turned from white to two lines of pink. My entire relationship with my exhusband we never once ever used protection and for the almost five years of being together I never once got pregnant. I didn't think I could ever have kids. During my early twenties I was constantly in and out of the emergency room from cyst forming on my ovaries. I had three doctors tell me I could never have kids due the poison breaking of the cyst causing me to go sterile.
I secretly jumped for joy, I was overwhelmed with excitement. This would the crucial point of our relationship he would stop hitting me, he would pay attention to me, he would love me finally because I am carrying his baby.
I decided to make a romantic dinner just for him. I wanted to surprise him, I wanted this to change our lives. Once dinner was made and the house cleaned and me with make up, I waited, and waited for him to come home. He of course never came home that night.
I remember laying on the couch crying while holding my stomach then apologizing to this unborn baby for having such an asshole for a dad. I just kept crying which ultimately lead me crying myself to sleep.
When morning came Rick finally came home without a care in the world to my swollen red eyes. He just looked at me and shook his head in disgust followed by a snicker of loathing. I bolted from the couch to the bathroom digging the pregnancy test out of the trash can filled with excitement I eagerly showed him.
"I'm pregnant Rick, were going to have baby, our baby, we are going to be parents to a little bundle of joy. I'm so excited I finally get to give you something that is so special between both of us. I love you so much."
The smile on my face soon melted off when I saw no emotion of life to his face. He just stood before me glaring at me with what seemed to be disgust. He made ugly facial expressions over and over then clearing his throat he finally spoke.
"Well, isn't that just grand, so, what are you going to tell "Daddy Dear" now, You think they'll be excited?" Rick shoved me out of his way and entered the bedroom cleaning out the pockets of the same work pants he wore going to work yesterday.
He turned to look at me then leaning on the dresser folding his arms in front of him, "Well, I guess that's one way to get to your parents pocketbook isn't it, have a friggen baby right, that's just friggen awesome. This is the last thing I need."
"Rick, I love you, I love you so much, I wanted this to be good news, I'm excited why aren't you?"
I could feel the lump in my throat get bigger and harder followed by panic and fear. Rick lunged grabbing both my arms and squeezing them with great pressure.
"And just how are you planning on making this work with your asshole parents, you remember them, the parents that hate me, wish I would fall off the earth, disappear, how are you planning on making it work you stupid bitch?"
Deep down inside I knew he was right. My parents were going to be more pissed at me than ever before. I had disappointed my parents before but this just takes the cake.
"I don't know," I said with my loving voice, "but somehow, I will make this work, it has to work, it will work. I love you don't you understand that by now, I love you forever."
Rick let loose the grip he had on me and shoved me out of the way collected some clothes and then left once again leaving me standing alone and now more frightened then I ever have been before.