Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Life is so hard

Every single day of every single second we are always challenged with someone or something. But the most challenged "thing" that a single person will ever undergo is the relationship between a mother and daughter.

There are some mother's and daughter's that are so close. They possess a unique relationship that often other mother's and daughter's are either envious of or wonder what they ever did wrong while raising their own daughter.

Speaking only for myself, and only for me, I can only share my experiences of being a mother and raising a strong willed daughter. Once upon a time we used to be close, we had that unique relationship that was filled with love, empathy, sincerity, kindness, and friendship. The only thing is that as I continued with my struggles of trying to find my path as a single mother the more I found myself struggling with life which in turn lead to me struggling to continue as a mother to my daughters.

I will filled with remorse, anger, bitterness, hate, and it just wasn't going away anytime soon. There was this constant reminder from my parents of what they gave up in order for me to come home. There was always those little jabs from them telling me how they sacrificed their retirement so I could be home with them while they help me raise my two daughters.

Savi was acting out from the separation of her dad while living with me and my parents. The more I tried to get close to her the more she ran from me. She always ran to the arms of my mom and dad and no matter how hard I tried to understand her and what she was going through, no matter the countless attempts at holding her and loving her, she did everything in her power at the tender age of less than two, well, she was hell bent on not being around me. Sara on the other hand didn't want anyone but me. No matter how many times my parents tried to hold her and love her she would just wail at the thought of someone else holding her other then myself. I used to secretly joke with myself saying, "well, at least I have the love of one child even if the older one didn't want me" but it still cut me to the quick of my soul and made my heart bleed tears.

Collecting Child Support 

My dad was always the one trying to keep the peace between Rick and his daughters and myself. He was a strong advocate of letting fathers see their children no matter what occurred during the relationship. My mom was the absolute opposite. She became a fire breathing dragon rearing its ugly head roaring and stomping anything in its path when my dad mentioned anything about Rick seeing his daughters.

My dad was the one also to start the legal proceedings for me to collect child support from Rick. My mom of course was just adamant about me getting any money from Rick. In no time I learned that I was just causing the biggest rift in the family not just with my parents but of course my overly successful brother was there to pitch in his two cents as well. His words were just as hurtful as my oldest daughter never wanting me. I remember loathing words that spewed from my brothers mouth;

  • Failure
  • Screw-up
  • Worthless
  • Dumb parent
  • Spineless 

I was the winner of ruining my parents life. As the pressure got more intense it was right at that moment that I no longer wanted to be a parent. I just didn't want to deal with the pressures of my brother, my parents heartless jabs, the constant bickering back and forth, watching my parents attack each other because of me and Rick and the babies.

While so many others would see the light at the end of the tunnel of their struggles, there was no light. I was suddenly in the battle of my own life. My life was so dark, so cold, there was no amount of wood to burn that would warm me or the countless candles I could light in order to pretend that there was light somewhere in my life. For so many others that saw the warmth of the sun, my life was just dark.

I took my father advice and continued with the legal proceedings for child support and that was when Rick once again went on a rant. He began calling me and hanging up or calling me and threatening to take my babies from me. Each day I went to the mailbox there was always harsh written letters from Rick calling me every name in the book. He told me in the letters if I were to pursue this he would find me and kill me. My dad of course kept all those letters and demanded he be present on the day of the ruling for my child support amount.

After six months of filing papers, one continuance after another, delayed court dates, failure to appear by Rick, we were able to all join in the court room filled with other court cases and not a judge but a commissioner. Of course my dad's job was of a very high profile and of course the commissioner new my dad and no matter the amount of evidence he gave to the commissioner she just dismissed it telling my dad he had his hand in something that did not relate to him or that he was causing friction within her court room.

Yep, all the evidence was there, the pictures of me beaten black and blue, the countless hospital admissions, ambulance rides, permanent damage caused by him, the letters, the commissioner gave Rick visitation every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday afternoon and one day during the week. He was ordered to pay $185.00 a month for two kids. My dad of course shot up while the ruling was being read and wished to speak to the commissioner alone behind closed doors and she of course began brow-beating my dad speaking so directly he was embarrassed.

"Might I remind you Mr. Wright, I know what your income is, I know what you make a year, I know that your daughter is living with you, I know that you will of course financially help her so why would I want to give this man an order to pay an amount that is not suited for me?"

So not only did Rick get away with beating me, raping me, he now got away with child support. It was as if this man was invincible to being prosecuted. He seemed almost bullet proof. My dad was so pissed he just stormed out of the court room and there I was alone with Rick. The nasty looks I got from him right in front of the commissioner, the gestures of more beatings, and even if I brought it up right up at the second in front of the commissioner she told me I was out of order and if I spoke out one more time I would be held in contempt of court.

I was even labeled a "derelict" mother that didn't deserve her kids. I continued to get yelled at by the commissioner telling me if I acted out one more time I would lose my kids. She would grant sole and physical custody to Rick. She seemed to have no care what he did to me and what I knew he would do to the girls. All she cared about was Rick, poor Rick, poor alcoholic Rick.

Once our case was over she ordered me out of the court room telling me to never show up in her court ever again. As I exited the court room Rick came bounding after me telling me that I was a worthless mother, I was a horrible person and I would pay for this. He was beginning to corner when I saw a police officer making his way down the corridor. I began to scream and yell to stop hitting me and Rick immediately stopped.

The policeman came running over and what happened just floored me. He pulled Rick aside and asked him if he was okay. He began to lecture me on abuse and that it was a crime and if I continued to behave this way I would be arrested. Rick just stood there and laughed and laughed at what was happening to me. Once the officer left Rick got real close and told me..."your nightmare just began, I am not done with you yet."

Landing a new job

A few weeks had passed and I was able to land a job at a local grocery store as a checker. I always worked nights so I could be home with the babies during the day and my parents could watch them during the night. Everything seemed to be going okay for awhile but then one night when I got off work I went to my car to find it dented, spray painted with words I couldn't even mention here for fear of being thrown off of the internet. Along with those strong words and the dents was one dozen long stem black roses with a letter that said my life was like the roses, dead.

I ran inside to call the police and of course they never showed up. I waited and waited, I called my parents and told them what happened. My dad ordered me to wait until the police show up and demand that they take pictures. Rick even signed his name to the note. I was beginning to think that this is just what I needed to finally throw into the commissioners face that Rick was just not stable.

As the minutes ticked away to now what seemed like hours I called back the police and the 911 operator told me that they were very busy tonight and they will not be able to show up. I was so pissed, I just grabbed the flowers and tossed them into the car and began the drive home. In the rear view mirror I could see a set of lights coming at me so quickly. The closer the car got the more frightened I had become. I would change lanes to get away from this person behind me but they too also changed lanes continuing to get closer and closer to the back of my car.

Yep, you guess it, it was Rick and he was hell bent on pulling me over by trying to run me off the road. I was able to lose him and find my way home running stop signs and red lights praying that a police officer would pull me over so I can him arrested. But that didn't happen. Rick just continued to try to hit my car and when I finally reached my parents home he just disappeared like the thief in the night always does.

I knew right then and there that my nightmare of Rick was not over yet.