Thursday, November 24, 2016

Family Struggles

Look, we all know that family struggles are very real. We are always told that family is the first people that you should turn to in time of need. They are supposed to have your back, take care of you, be there for you when you feel that life has just ripped the carpet from under your feet leaving one to dangle in struggles.

I remember waking up the very next day after going home with my two babies. I have never felt like more of an inconvenience not only to my family but to anyone around me. I remember opening my eyes and struggling with the acceptance that I had come home. So much of me just wanted to disappear in the open vast world never to be found.

As I looked around the room I saw Sara sleeping so peacefully. She was breathing so softly as if nothing ever happened to her world. She just lay there with her beautiful long eyelashes quivering as if she was dreaming. Her dark black hair all tossed about, those naturally red pout lips and alabaster skin always reminded me of the deep resemblance similar to Snow White.

As I laid there I wondered how do I fit into a life with a family that pretty much disowned me because I was with a man both my parents loathed so deep to now of all of a sudden taking up a huge massive space in their home. I knew I was invading their time, I mean, this was a time that my parents wanted for themselves, they did served their eighteen years of life to raising me, putting up with me, educating me and for what? To turn around and take up the majority of their space in their home that was supposed to be their home, their life.

My life was falling so fast so quick if I even tried to reach out to grab something to hold onto I couldn't because of the speed of light I was traveling down into this massive depression. My heart was heavy with guilt and I wondered whatever happened to that girl that never wanted to have kids, never wanted to be married? I never wanted to be that mom that was stuck raising kids because my life was my life and I had no problem being selfish or greedy about my life.

I went from being in control to now out of control. How did I get here, I was not supposed to be the woman that lived with a man who abused me, raped me, hurting me. How did I get to this depression so deep that there was no light at the end of the tunnel just this fast moving train going down this massive dark tunnel with no light to guide it. Who was I, I didn't even know who I was and if I didn't know who I was how would anyone else know who I was or what my life was?

I could hear my mom and dad down stairs moving about talking to each other. I got out of bed placing myself on the floor at the top of the stairs to listen to the conversation between each other.

I remember this conversation as if it just happened, as if I was once again sitting on the stairs at fifty five years old listening to them talk about me. There was so much anger, disappointment, hurt, frustration with the conversation between them both.

"So, what are we going to do with her now that she is here, is she going to work, are we going to get stuck babysitting for her, how is she going to support herself with two kids, no car, no means of any financial money saved." said my dad to my mom.

"I don't know," said my mom, "I just know that now all of our dreams have come to a halt. I guess our retirement plan is pushed to the back burner and we are going to have continue to work because I am NOT going to cut into our retirement money to raise those babies. So, I guess we will be forced to go back to work, isn't that just F***ING great."

"Well," continued my dad, "we know that Rick ruined the car that we bought her. He got so pissed off that we wouldn't fork the money out to fix his car. He was actually pissed that we bought her a car so just to be a dick, he drove the car without oil just to ruin it and damage it. So that's fifteen thousand dollars down the drain."

"So, does that mean that we have to buy her another car? Because if we don't, how is she going to get around, get a job, take the babies to see their doctors, we are being forced to go back to work, so what, she rides the bus.?"

As their conversation continued I sensed it wasn't going to end up well. I had now become the biggest loser to my parents. I remember that map of my life my mom so desperately wanted me to follow. Would my life really turn out better if I would of followed that map?

My brother's life turned out perfectly. He landed that job at the computer company and proved his worth. He proved to the company that he was a valuable asset and the company had no problem sending him abroad to other big countries to fix their computer related issues. He was given a huge expense account, he traveled first class always, he had the greatest life. By the time he was thirty, he was already working on his second passport because his first one was stamped so much from traveling to far off places such as China, Russia, South America, Germany, the list goes on and on.

He was pulling in a six figure income and living the fat life. He spent his money on all his toys such as his boat, his home, he cars, his clothes, blah, blah, blah, blah! And here I was at home suddenly taking up the space of my parents, forcing them to go back to work, taking away their retirement and their money and to boot, two kids in tow.

From the corner of my eye I could see Savi's door open and making her way towards me. She just stood there staring at me, looking at me with such evil in her eyes. I reached out to her and instead of her climbing into my lap and holding me which I needed so much she ran to her now bedroom to close the door behind her. Imagine, a fourteen month old knowing that she just didn't want me.

I remember jumping up from the ground making my way to her bedroom opening the door to find her trying to climb back into her crib. I reached for her and she began to scream, she wailed to let her go. Once I got her into the crib all she kept saying was "Dada, Dada, Dada" I tried to hold her and console her but she just kept pushing me away as if she was so angry at me.

My mom came into the room and Savi immediately raised her arms for my mom to hold her and my mom gladly picked her up.

"She doesn't want me, she doesn't want me to hold her," I told my mom. I could feel the tears filling my eyes the pain cut so deep it seemed to be just a deep black hole in my life.

"That's nonsense," my mom said sternly, "take your daughter, hold her."

When I was able to finally get her into my arms I was then struck with her hand directly to my face. Savi began to fight me, she began to pout and cry she was pulling away from me then reaching for my mom. It then dawned on me that she learned to hit me from watching Rick. She learned to hate me because of Rick.

"Come downstairs your father and I want to discuss our next move."