Tuesday, November 22, 2016

And in one breath.....I was "Suddenly a Single Mom"

Driving home with my dad and two kids in tow with a loaded SUV had to be the longest most grueling ride ever. My dad never said a word to me he just kept his hands on the wheel while staring what appeared to be a just a blank look on his face.

As I watched the cars beside us passing by I watched some mothers looking beat down and worn out from the kids screaming in the cars while at the same time I then saw couples looking so happy and in love with their kids in the back seat. All I could think of was how my life resembled these cars just speeding by, that was my life now it was just speeding by me and I couldn't seem to find the brakes. I was filled with humiliation, embarrassment not just for me but for my family. I had now become one of the hundreds if not thousands so many people talk or read about I will be known now as a "battered woman" I remember feeling like I was just the biggest failure that life had ever created.

I wanted to find the smallest compartment in the car and just somehow put my body in there and just hide from the world. I never wanted to come out of that small compartment nope, I just wanted to hide so no one would point their fingers at me or talk about me. It was bad enough my dad wasn't speaking to me during the two hour drive home.

My two daughters slept the entire drive home and when we finally pulling into the drive way of my parents home my mom was in the garage folding clothes from the dryer. I just wanted to die. How did I get where I was, how did I allow my life to become such a mess and now with two kids in tow? My mind was racing with so many thoughts in my head, how do I find my place in this huge ugly world now, where do I fit in, do I even fit in? What was going to happen to the babies and Rick?

How was living with my parents who had been planning their retirement and traveling the world to suddenly putting a halt to their plans help me? Would they be filled with resentment, would they hate me, would they welcome me with open arms?

My dad parked the SUV climbed out still not saying a word to me he began to unload the car. I just sat watching and wondering if he would ever talk to me again. I watched him carry all my baby things placing them on the garage floor when suddenly his silence was broken.

"Don't just sit there, get off your ass and get out and help" his voice was ruff his tone was cold. I could feel my eyes beginning to swell with more tears. Just when I thought I couldn't cry any more, well the tears proved me wrong. They just began to fall one after another. My oldest daughter Savi was just so beautiful.

Savi was known for her deep green eyes her olive skin color as well as her contagious laughter. She was just as stubborn as Rick and she was determined to prove that she was a strong willful child.
She bolted awake confused to where she was and what was going on. All she kept repeating was wanting her dad, "Dada, Dada, where's Dada?"

Rick and Savi had an uncontrollable bond between father and daughter. No matter how many times I would pick her up she was determined to wiggle out of my arms then run to her dad who would coddle her and love her and she ate it up playing part very well of not wanting to be near me. No matter how many times I tried to love her and hold her she always wanted out of my arms. It hurt to the very core of my inner soul.

Sara my baby, my little tiny baby was my savior. She loved hearing my voice as well as being held by me. No matter how many times Rick would try to hold her she would scream and cry until I took her. It was so strange to me how one child wanted one over the other. Sara was always the easiest baby, I could just lay down to go sleep at night and BOOM! no cries, no wailing, nothing she just went to sleep. Savi was so much different then her. Savi fought her sleep every single night. She would sit in her crib crying and crying over and over never letting up never slowing down.

My dad continued to grab things out of the car and for some reason I couldn't look at my dad's face, I couldn't bring myself to look at him at all. My mom was the one that came up to me reaching out to hold me and that was when I just collapsed crying in her arms.

My dad quickly growled at us to stop this nonsense and help him out. My mom just ignored him continuing to hold me giving me that familiar hush sound whispering it would all be okay. But he was persistent on breaking us up and finally my mom gave in telling me to help him out.

"Where is the crib, where is Savi's crib?" my mom asked puzzled.

I remember my dad stopping short in his steps turning to glare at both us his face twisting in anger, pressing his lips together to stop himself from saying something so hateful huffing trying to find his words yet he failed.

"It's back at the apartment, where the hell do you think it is, you think I had time to take it apart or the tools to take it apart?"

"Daddy, I was just asking, was it really necessary to be so nasty?" My mom and dad had grown to call each other Mamma and Daddy which I always believed was just a little creepy but hey, it worked for them and soon my brother and I just got used to it.

"We need to make room for Dee and her babies, where do you want them to go, how do you want to set up, I want all this crap out of the garage so we can park the cars inside tonight."

"Daddy," my mom yelled glaring at him. "We can figure it out in a minute just relax dang."

I felt like the biggest inconvenience to my parents and if I ever felt like a problem well with my dads curt words and anger in his voice I knew I was now in their way of everything. I had jumped from what seemed like the biggest fire of my life to now in a blazing roar of flames.

I went to the back seat of the SUV taking Savi out of the car seat. Savi was so glad to see my mom she screamed with glee to see her running to her clinging to her leg yelling "Uppie, Uppie" Sara just continued to sit in her car seat not caring to much about anything.

"Dee," my dad began with his booming cold voice, "go take Don's old room you can stay there and Savi can have your old room. Sara can sleep with you. Start collecting things and take them where they belong."

My mom cupped my face in her hands looking at me so lovingly then smiling, "it's going to be okay, daddy will adjust, we all need to adjust but for now, its good having you home. How are you, are you okay?"

With the commotion of my dad, Savi screaming uppie, my mom trying to be consoling, I was just spinning with guilt, love, fear, everything seemed to taking hold of me and once again taking me down. I was exhausted from the three years of abuse from Rick, trying to make this man love me, I just seemed to be always running in a circle never stopping, never going anywhere just round and round.

"Come on, lets get you settled in. Your dad and I can go to the baby store down the street and purchase a crib for you. Is there anything you left behind, do the babies need anything, did you bring diapers, food, formula?" my mom asked me softly.

I glanced at the heap of baby things in the garage, I actually didn't know what I brought. I just threw so many things into trash bags as quickly as I could not really thinking very clearly.

"Never you mind about those things, we can go through it later," my mom said.

And in one breath, my life was about to change forever!!