Saturday, December 31, 2016

For the life of me I cannot read the comments that people live. I have tried to adjust this thing, read other things in the "HELP" section and still to no avail, NOTHING. I have written for someone to please email me at and instruct me on how to read the comments and yet no one does.

I would like to respond to the comments, but I can't. NO CLUE

Yes, it does happen

There are countless if not millions of people when going through a hard time they actually believe they are the only one's ever going through their own personal tragedy. They cannot imagine something so tragic ever happening to others and often we always say, "I wouldn't wish this upon my own worst enemy" is it because we are a sympathetic person, or is it because we really would never want something so horrible that we personally are going through to ever really happen to others?

Sara was quickly becoming my Saint with Sela. As I was facing my own personal tragedies with Savi, Sara was staying behind and caring for Sela. Sara was the one that taught Sela to eat with a spoon, change her diapers, make her bottles, do the laundry, clean the house, just everything that a typical everyday mother does, Sara was doing.

When I was facing horrible times Sara was right there to wrap her arms around me telling me how great of a mother I really was. I never ever felt that way. I actually felt like a failure as a mother, I often wondered what I did wrong and guilt had moved into my mind and it was not moving out any time soon. I was plagued with hate, envy, horrible thoughts, tears, pain, I mean the list goes on and on.

This is when it gets real personal and really painful because what I was about to feel and go through, witnessed, familiar with, I hope and pray that whoever reads this does know it can and will happen to any single mother or family with a mom and dad. Often opening up about what I am going to share not only brings up horrible memories but it means I will be opening my closet full of my very own skeletons. It means being 100% truthful even if it makes me look bad.

I remember some of the worst things and other things I have packed away wanting so desperately to never remember, to never ever think of what it caused my family to ever go through. But if I can help just one person than all this blogging has come full circle.

There is Nothing But Darkness, there is no light to ever guide me or help me, there is no sound, there is no happy memories, there is pain I have caused, their are others that have caused me pain, there is truth, there is why, there is no real answer.

This is the day I found my world of darkness, this is the day that hurts so badly.....

I remember it as if it happened two seconds ago because something so tragic that happens to any parent, a step parent, a legal guardian, a foster parent, you just never forget. You don't forget what the weather was like, the time, the day, the very second that it happened. You don't forget where you were and ultimately you will die with that very thought embedded into your memory bank forever.

Every single mother out there wants to believe that they are in fact a good mom. No matter what! We want to believe that we are good mom's and yes, even drug addict moms, alcoholic mom's we want to believe that we are good mom's. But facing the truth and understanding why we do what we do is, I wouldn't say liberating, but standing on your own two feet and actually being able to say the truth no matter how it looks upon yourself.

When Savi entered the kitchen after hiding out in her room for days, she was wearing striped blue and white pajamas, a mauve sweater, her hair was all the way down to the middle of her back and as usual it was very greasy and very dirty. Her once beautiful face was becoming to look exhausted, her eyes sharing the dark circles underneath, her long skinny fingers looking frail. She was only thirteen years old and I could tell that she was just a lost soul. Once upon a time when she looked at me I could see me in her eyes, I could see the smile on her face, I could hear the laughter that she shared with Sara, I could hear the love coming from her voice.

Yet, then when I looked at her, she was blank, she was empty, she was lifeless. Was this a clue to what was to come?

I was standing next to the stove top in the kitchen facing away from the window. It was Saturday at 2:04 pm. I was making Sela a snack when Savi asked for a cup to have a drink from the fridge. I opened the cabinet with my right hand taking a plastic purple cup then closing the cabinet handing it to Savi. As she reached with her right arm of her mauve sleeve moved and that was when I saw it.

She had been cutting herself all over her arms. I remember just freaking out, I remember screaming, I remember forcing her to pull up her sleeves and when she did but with a fight, she finally gave in and when she did I saw for the first time both of her arms just completely cut up. There was old scars with dried up blood that had clotted, there was fresh cuts with dried up blood and there was cuts that had wanted to heal yet they appeared to re-cut once again. It went from the wrist of both arms to the elbows of both arms.

Savi instantly became embarrassed, she looked down at the ground she couldn't look at me, all I could do is hold both of her arms shocked and riddled with pain for her. I remember grabbing her and holding her so tightly screaming over and no, "NO, NO, BABY NO" I continued to hold her and yet she fought to pull me off of her but I was to strong for her now weak body. I refused to let her go, I refused to look at her, I refused to see her face. Never experiencing something like this or how to deal with it, well, I didn't deal with it in the best form. After finally letting go of her desperately wanting to get out of my grips of my arms I remember yelling at her so loudly, I remember screaming, I remember asking why over and over. I remember demanding an answer. I remember I just couldn't shut up. I never once ever gave her any room to speak, I never treated her with respect, I never tried to understand. I was just freaking out that now I believed she was trying to kill herself.

Why did I believe that she was trying to kill herself?

Raiza and I had taken up walking each and every night all through the mobile home park. That night,  Thursday night for some reason Savi wanted to go with us. She had never shown any interest or cared about wanting to walk with myself and Raiza ever before. I was somewhat shocked that she even asked to go but quickly accepted her wanting to be with us. As Raiza and I kept up our always brisk pace, Savi had fallen behind a few feet. It was as if she was in her own world. She just continued to stay behind and yet I never gave it a second thought that from that night on my world was about to change in one single breath.

Friday, 2:40 PM

Well, Sara and Savi were in middle school and there was a regular bus time that dropped off kids after school then there was a late bus that dropped off kids if they wanted to stay and work on homework or had after school sports. I had just gotten off work from Red Robin. I came home and planted myself on my office desk chair taking off my smelly shoes then rubbing my aching feet. I took out my tips and began counting them when Sara walked through the back door of our mobile home.

Sara was just always so very smart, she could just look at her homework and know just how to do math, spelling test, English test, history test. She was born with that photographic memory. God knows she didn't get it from me. If and when I ever had to study for anything in my life it was severe effort to actually understand what a word meant or any other things related to what I was or had to study.

When I turned to see Sara she walked over and kissed me on the cheek telling me that she had a great day at school. I immediately asked where Savi was and Sara told me that she wasn't on the bus. I became alarmed but quickly thought maybe she had to stay after school to make up for some homework or take a test. The late bus always showed up at as usual at 4:10 pm. As the kids got off the late bus I was expecting to see Savi and yet Savi wasn't on the bus. I remained planted by the kitchen window watching all the late kids emerge from the bus and as I counted all but maybe fifteen kids, Savi was not part of that small crowd.

I remember once again I was quickly becoming panicky, I began asking Sara if she was even at school today and she told me that she had lunch with her. She told me that Savi was acting differently. She seemed to be confused about things. The time was now 5:34 PM and that was when my phone rang. The caller ID said, "UNKNOWN" I never answer phone calls coming in as UNKNOWN because nine times out of ten they are just stupid calls. But I could hear the soft whispers of inner voice telling me with such a sympathetic yet strong urgency in her voice, "you need to take this call, answer  your phone"

"Hello, this is Officer Bradly, (his true last name)  are you the mother of Savi?" instant panic rang loudly inside my head along blood curdling thoughts flooded my through my veins, there was no blood anymore it was instantly replaced with absolute sheer panic, my heart quivered feeling the strong beats pumping in my chest my breath erratic, my body began to shake. My world went at an absolute tilt then began without warning it began rotating backwards.

"Yes, I'm Savi's mother" I tried to sound calm, I tried sound as if it was another phone call from someone every day. I believe my heart even skipped quite a few beats. I remember Raiza showing up wanting to ask if we were going to walk that night. I remember the concerned look on her face when she saw me, I could see her lips moving as if she was trying to find out what was wrong with me. I turned to see Sara and I could see her eyes widen in mystery, I could see her expression filling with confusion.

"First, I wanted to say that your daughter is safe now, she is alive and safe but she is being transported to the Riverside Mental Hospital..." once I heard that I quickly cut into what he was trying to convey to me.

"W-W-What do you mean she is safe now, where is my daughter and why are you taking her there, oh my God what happened, why is she going there, why, why?" I had no idea I was even repeating myself over and over. I had no idea I was even yelling, I had no idea I was freaking out. I just knew it was a phone that every parent fears the most when their child becomes withdrawn from society, when they begin to act out, when they begin to become defiant. It is a phone call that will put a parent at any halt in their steps and their very lives and often make them stop breathing.

"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but we caught her trying to jump the overpass on the freeway adjacent from your mobile home park. She actually shimmied up the chain link fence and climbed over and was ready to jump onto the moving traffic of the freeway below."

I remember yelling "WHAT THE FUCK!" quickly followed with "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!"

Tears began to fall, my body began to shiver, my hands couldn't hold the phone anymore, I wanted to slump to the floor and just scream. How and why would my daughter want to end her life, why would she even want to contemplate suicide?

As I sit and type this out I am beginning to wonder if I was selfish and only thinking of myself, did I ever really think for one second what Savi was going through or was I more concerned about what my world was now to become?

"Please, try to understand, someone saw her and immediately called 9-11 and we were able to get her to stop but we had to take her into custody. Once she arrived at the police station we began going through her backpack and found a suicide note addressed to you. She wrote that she is very sorry but she hates her life, she hates you, she loves you, she hates her sister Sara but she loves her sister Sara, she hates Felix, she hates her grandparents but loves her grandparents."

He continued to tell me to please go meet her at the Riverside Mental Hospital where they will be admitting her under what they call a "51/50" suicide watch. Because she is a minor they need my signature.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Water in the cracks

We all do it, we stand outside with our hose in hand watering our treasured front and back lawn. Some desperately water their front and backyard in hopes that grass will grow once again. We even take our hose and water or clean off the front walkway of our home.

Many will not panic because we have done it over and over the tedious task of watering our front lawns. But if you stop to think about it, the water that seeps down into the cracks or our walkways or front of the house does it ever ruin the foundation of your home? Will enough water create a sense of shifting in the foundation?

That was Savi, she was the water from the hose and I, along with her family were the cracks she was hell bent on ruining the once upon a time solid foundation of what was once stability for her. My life was shifting and it was shifting so fast no amount of work to correct the troubled teen could have actually corrected it.

My father was able to get her case overturned due to her age along with a promise to get into counseling. For that action left a reaction between both myself and my mom. I wanted her to go to jail to sit and learn what she did wrong. I wanted her to see first hand what actually went on behind bars the other troubled teens that she would share a cell with. I wanted this to rock her world so deeply that it would shake the piss and vinegar right out of her.

The court clerk gave me and my father a few names of some counselors in my area along with a paper that had to be signed each and every time we came to visit That paper would then be faxed over to the court house each and every time we came to visit leaving a paper trail of her progress. Because of the  make shift trouble Savi had trumped up, it left Felix and I on battling grounds with each other. He once again was pitching his thoughts of "Father Wisdom" which was of course the last thing I needed.

I needed my own support system, I needed a tender shoulder to cry on, I needed help myself. Felix never offered to ever hold me or to let me cry in his arms or talk to him about what was going on. He was so cold and so rigged towards me. I had made many attempts to reach out and hold him but he just moved away from my reach leaving me to feel empty and alone.  Raiza was the only person to come to the my aid. There was countless cups of coffee shared between us both along with strong words of wisdom from Raiza.

Felix and myself just stopped talking to each other. We had become strangers in our own house and he was over the crazy antics of Savi. He was now more concerned what Sara was going through and Sela was seeing from her older sisters behavior. He made it known that he was not going to put up with this and he of course made threats of divorce.

Savi was acting out in school and many times she even ditched school. I could tell by the look on her face that she was scared, she felt lost and she wondered why or how she even came to live this life of misery. I could sense that she really wanted me to understand her, I could see it through those stunning emerald green eyes filled with pain and lonliness, I could see it in her facial expressions when she looked at me with humped shoulders shared with absolute exhaustion. When she did hug me she hugged me tightly I could tell she wanted to whisper, "I love you mom" but for some reason she could never bring herself to say those words to me.

My family had become the talk of the mobile home park. Not to many things go unknown when you live inside of a mobile home park. It compares to Patton's Place, it is everyone's business and everyone knows your business. No matter where I went I could see people talking, I could see the fingers pointing at me then others whispering as I passed them walking in the streets pushing Sela in her stroller. I just tried my hardest to hold my head up high wondering what happens behind their closed doors. Do they have the life they dreamed of, do they not have marital problems, do they have sexual issues, do they drink, do they cheat, do they abuse their spouse nightly?

I had come to loath the mobile home park and I wanted out so badly. I was beginning to hate my life and my job working at Red Robin was being challenged. I had already missed so much work because when you have a court ordered counseling session and the counselor is making the schedule you don't have the ability to say, "I work that day can we make it another day?"

I felt as if the counseling was just to appease the courts. I really didn't see any improvement in Savi and I could tell that she was just bored with the whole thing. Savi quickly graduated from amateur con artist to now a professional con artist. She knew what to tell people, she knew exactly what they wanted to hear and how to tell them in order to make it sound so believable it would put a permanent jerri curl in anyone's hair. Savi knew just how to make me sound like the worlds worst mother and what really sucked, the counselor believed her.

I was getting reprimanded from some asshole counselor and no matter how many times I tried to defend myself that counselor came back with, "stop hiding behind your lies" my daughter was teaching me to hate her and she was doing a bang up job of it. Every single time I fought back Savi was there yelling and screaming that I was a bold face liar. It was still useless, no matter what I said she had the counselor wrapped around her pinky finger.

When fires are raging and out of control firemen will set fire to gain control over those fires. When fire meets fire the object is it will ultimately be put out. That is just what I did, I fought fire with fire. Raiza had reminded me of the video recorder I had gotten from my parents for Christmas sometime ago and mentioned that maybe, just maybe, I should record Savi when she is at her worst. That was my saving grace.

I recorded her when she went crazy, threw things, called me names, threatened to kill herself, said how much she hated me, how she wanted to run away and live with her dad. I recorded her bedroom which was filled with old food, new food, dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes on the ground. I took pictures of her report card which by the way was filled with "F,s" there was no D+ or D- nope, just F's. I had set the recorder down in a position that would record both of us when I tried talking to her and she would spew out how stupid I was, how retarded I was, how much of a slut I was, how horrible of a mother I was.

Then it just the recorder was set, she just blew like Ol' Faithful in Yellowstone National Park.

"Ya know Savi, its funny how you keep reporting everything you think I am doing wrong yet you never bother to share what you do wrong, how you act, how you think. I am trying to understand who you are and what you want but, you shoot me down each time."

"Ya, now there is an idea, if I had a gun I could kill you and then finally go live with my dad." As she stood there telling me such a horrific plan I could the expressionless face, the blank stare, the cold calculating glare from my own child.

"You seem to have this calculated plan of ending my life, but did you ever think of the lives of your other two sisters, did you ever stop to think what would happen to them?"

"I don't care what happens to them, they are just the pain in my ass each and everyday. Oh yeah, buy the way, thanks for having another wasted human life, another baby. That was such a brilliant plan wasn't it?" her giggle of misery reminded me of a master minded evil person that could dispose of his family and not even care.

I knew exactly what she was doing, I knew that she was trying so hard to have me kick her out of the house. She was trying so hard to have me get rid of her. But the more she fought to go live with her dad, the more I fought back. I was actually protecting her from that waste of human space, that lad specimen gone wrong..RICK!

Not only did I tell her of the beatings I took from him, the rape from him, the abuse of alcohol, no money to feed her when she was a baby, the cheating, lies, manipulation from him. But, as I shared before she could justify every single thing he did wrong and find blame in someone else for his actions instead of him claiming responsibility for his own actions.

I grabbed the video recorder and stopped it immediately. My intention was to share it with the counselor but suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of blackmail. Was I doing this because I wanted to get even or was I doing this because I wanted the courts and her counselor to know that I am not a crazy mom. Was I trying to prove a point or was I actually helping Savi or hurting Savi?

Days later and after the explosion between us, I was standing in the kitchen making lunch for Sela and Sara when Savi emerged from her bedroom. She had been hiding out for six days. Her face was broken out with acne her eyes took on the dark black circles, her hair greasy and unclean, she smelled so badly. When she reached for a cup to fill with the cool brisk water from the fridge I just about blew a gasket.

I was just floored at what I found...

Blend Gently Not Firmly

Blending a family often is the same as cooking a soufflé. You need to do it with a tender loving hand. Take all the ingredients and gently fold them in with a tender loving hand. Take your time, never rush because when you do, it will not rise it will do the opposite, it will become flat, unappealing, as well as something you do not want to present to the world.

No matter if your adding a man into the mix of a single woman with kids or a man blending in a woman into his life with his kids, or a single father and single mother coming together to become one family, it is the hardest and often the most difficult task that one will ever create.

Tempers will flair often rising to a level of hurt, pain, and exhaustion which is then followed by tears. I guess we call that the "Adjustment Period" Felix came into my crazy messed up life with no problems, he was a free man able to come and go as he pleased. He never had to answer to anyone or report back to a wife and throw in a newborn into the mix well, that can make it complicated.

The thing I find the funniest is when someone who has had no children can voice their opinion on how to raise your own children. Somethings can be insightful, somethings can be just down right insulting, yet, we tell them, "until you have had children of your own, you just don't get it"

Savi was beginning to push every single button from every single person in the house. She was becoming more withdrawn and not willing to be part of the family anymore. She was hiding out in her room shutting herself off from the world not only the world of her family but the outside world. No matter how many times I tried to reel her in and talk to her the more I tried the more she pulled away.

My mom and dad were well aware of what she was doing with my mom telling me to stop trying so hard. I had not yet gotten up the courage to tell her that Savi was now drinking either secretly in the house which I could never find her booze she hid it so well that not even a bomb sniffing dog could find it. She also began drinking at the tender age of twelve outside of the house. Savi was caught stealing booze from the grocery stores as well. She would open her backpack that was used for school replacing her books for booze.

Yep, she had the same illness as Rick, she was also an alcoholic. After countless times of phone calls coming from the local grocery store repeatedly telling me that she stole booze once again, the store manager finally threw up his hands in anger and turned her into the police. The police arrested her and then called me sharing the story of how they found Jack Daniels in her backpack not just one bottle but three bottles.

When I went down to the juvenile jails I actually bailed her out. We were given a court date for her to appear and then that was when I knew I had to get my father involved. I had no choice. This was a conversation that had to be said in person not something shared over the phone. Once we were out of jail I called my parents and told them I would be right over because I needed to talk to them it was an urgent matter.

Sara of course was always left behind to care for Sela each and every time I need to tend to Savi and her wild chosen life style now. Even though Sara said it was no big deal I could tell by the tone of her voice that it did in fact bother her. I guess it was true what she feared the most had come true. She was now the middle child and often forgotten about. My plate was beginning to overflow with so many things. Savi and her crazy choices, Felix wanting to make a run from his life living with me, Sara who now actually believed in the middle child syndrome and to throw into the mix of my crazy life, a newborn baby to boot.

When we arrived to my parents house Savi was kicking and screaming not literally but verbally. All she wanted to do was go home and go to bed. That was her therapy of choice to lock herself out of the world from daily living, daily interacting with people, just living daily. Once inside my dad made a beeline drive to Savi. to give her a hug then he stopped dead in his tracks.

I remember he took her head and held it back gazing directly into her eyes then looking at her flushed skin, her bloodshot eyes, her dropping body.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" my dad asked her. She just wrapped her arms around him burying herself into his always worn V-Neck white tee-shirts letting the flooding of tears begin. I of course just cut loose and shook my head in disbelief of her behavior.

"Oh please Savi, shut up and tell them why we are really here. We need your grandfathers help and he is the only one that can help us." I tossed down my purse to the ground shaking my head at how she was reeling him in like a fisherman with the largest catch he ever got. She was now becoming Rick, a con-artist, an alcoholic and let's throw into the mix, a criminal record now.

My mom emerged from the bedroom gazing at Savi and myself quickly asking what was wrong and why we had to come over to talk to them.

I folded my arms in front of myself shifting my weight to one leg then cocking my head to one side filled with piss and vinegar.

"So Savi," with sarcasm in my voice, "why don't you tell them why were actually here or do you want me to share that with them?"

While holding her grandfather still she turned her face looking directly at me with tears running down her face followed by snot running from her nose she mouthed the word, "F**K YOU" with anger in her eyes, her face twisted in disbelief that we were there then taking her angered look to now fear. She had to face the music, she had to tell her grandparents what she had done.

"Well hell, someone tell me what is going on" demanded my mom.

"I guess I will be the "bad guy" here mom, Savi was arrested for shop lifting."

My dad quickly peeled Savi from his body while she continued to grasp with her life but his strength was to much for her. He shoved her away from him peering his deep blue eyes right at her. His eyes winced in both concern and worry now.

"Where's Sara?" asked my mom.

"She's home with Sela, she's fine besides I called Raiza on the way over here and she is going to go get them both and take them home with her."

We all filed downstairs to the bottom level of the house sitting down at the kitchen table. I began sharing how I was catching their grand daughter drinking for sometime, how I was trying to deal with it, and now it has come full circle, she was now a thief. Both my parents just sat there looking at me as if I was speaking Russian to them desperately trying to understand what I was conveying to them. Both of them confused, shocked, and dismayed at their once sweetheart grand daughter.

When my dad is beyond anger he begins to shake his right leg, well he was jiggling it so badly he was shaking the things on the table and the décor on the glass shelves as well. My mom grabbed the things from the table moving them away telling my dad to knock it off and help me deal with this.

"What the hell did you take and why in the hell would you feel like you can steal anything damn thing Savi." my dad's voice now riveting with anger spewing out that very question.

Savi just hung her head in what I think was shame but she had a different agenda. Yep, she threw me under the bus, not a sitting bus, but a bus that was moving slowly running me over and over and over.

"Well, mom is the one that is the stupidest person ever. She thinks that Felix is my dad and I hate her and now I have to deal with his crap and him telling me what to do and.." my dad put up his hand swiftly to stop her then snickering in her answer.

"You mean to tell me, or your trying to tell me that your mother is at fault here Savi? Are you really going to go with that answer. That is the best you've got right now, blaming your mom?"

"What did she steal?' questioned my mom. Right then I buried my face into my hands inhaling then letting go with a huff to my breath. "I can tell you exactly what she took, she stole three bottles of Jack Daniels from the grocery store."

My dad threw up his hands in disbelief shooting up from his seat his eyes so large they looked like they were going to fall out of his sockets. My mom letting out a sigh of shock then turning to anger then snickering shaking her head back and forth.

Savi just turned to look at me I could visibly see the hatred she had for me, "well, you didn't seem to want to answer them Savi, so I guess I had to do it for you." I told her. Savi just sat there not even caring what she did, she didn't care that she got caught, she didn't care that she was arrested, she didn't care that my father told her that this would follow her for the rest of her life.

I left the table heading out to my car to gather all the papers from the police station heading back into the house then handing them to my dad. As he looked them over he shared how he knew the arresting officer, he even know what court house this would be held at without looking at the rest of the papers.

Then to shock both my parents and myself Savi shot up from the table and just exploded in anger...

"I Told mom I wanted to go live with Rick sometime ago and she keeps telling me no, she keeps saying that is the worst idea that I could ever have. I don't want to live with some asshole that keeps telling me what to do when he is clearly not my dad. I hate having a baby in the house, I hate having mom married, I hate my life, I don't want to live in that stupid mobile home any more, I hate the people there."

"Well Savi," began my mother, "your mom is right, you are not going to go live with that manipulating asshole that you claim is your father, your stuck where your at little girl so you better find some way to fix it and fix it now. Your dad is the worst person to ever walk on this planet. He abused your mom for three years, he is a drunk and now you want to go live with him because why, because it having booze at your fingertips is the easiest thing for you right now right?"

I was floored at my mom's response to Savi and Savi just sat and cried.

"Oh boo-hoo Savi, get it together girl, you have to appear in court and before that happens, I need to make some phone calls and see if I can get you out of this." said my dad.

I remember my mom turning to look at my dad first shocked at him wanting to bail her out, then turning shaking her head completely rude to my dad telling him that is the worst idea ever. She told him that she needs to go to the court, see the judge and serve her time.

I couldn't agree more.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

We have all heard it

At some point in our daily lives we will hear the echoing words of our mother ringing louder then the New York Stock Exchange bell that tolls each and everyday when someone slams down the gavel.

When things go bad in our lives and lets face, they do and they will, we will hear those words that will ring loud and clear from our mother;

There will be days like this when.....

We all move from one home to another. It happens each and every day. Some moves are by choice and some moves are not so friendly. I myself have always wondered when we do choose to move are we leaving bad memories behind hoping and praying that a new beginning will be just that, a new beginning? Do we move because of a job promotion or do we move because we have out grown our home? Do we move leaving bad memories behind, or do we move because hell, we just feel like it?

Up rooting your loved ones telling them, "I promise, you will make new friends and things are going to work out just fine." leaving ones friends as a child can be crippling to a growing child but at the same time we as parents often tell ourselves that the friends our children make can me most questionable. We fill our heads with hope, wonder, excitement, and as always a new adventure.

Moving into the mobile home was just that. It was a new adventure for myself, Felix, and the girls. I was just ending my seventh month of being pregnant and I was more then thrilled that the girls finally get a room of their own, I was even more excited that I was going to have a walk-in closet. Funny, the smaller things in life can just thrill a woman when we see a walk-in closet.

My parents came forward and flipped for the painting of the new home, well new for us. I had never lived in a mobile home and I was more then ready for a new set of friends, new beginning, new schools, new families, just new everything. Where we came from was not the best of the best. It was pretty rough. When your as white as me and you move from a 98% Hispanic community well, you tend to stick out like a sore thumb.

Once we became settled in Savi and Sara quickly made friends with many of the children in the park. I felt a sense of relief that they were making friends and yet, I wondered if they were actually good people that would influence my girls in a positive way. My parents made all efforts to come around as much as possible to help me get settled in. Felix was feeling the pinch of our space rent due to it being two hundred dollars more than our past rent and fifteen miles farther from his clients through his janitorial franchise.

Felix also decided it was best to buy more business from the company which provided him janitorial clients and when one action happens then another reaction follows suit. But, soon, we all began to settle into the new home. I had many neighbors come over and introduce themselves offering to help me out in setting up my kitchen cabinets, closets, and small task.

I always had a rule with my two daughters, if you choose to go to someone's house, then you must let me go with you so I can meet the families of where you want to go to. If I feel it is not safe or deemed fit for you to be there well, then your just not going to be there. That was when I began to learn very quickly that many of the mobile homes within this park were far less desirable then I would ever want my daughters to be at.

I began to see less desirable people than I had hoped for. I began to notice within weeks the amount of drugs that passed through the park, who the drug dealers were, where they lived, and that was when all the red flags of life began waving full and strong. I began to notice how many times the police had come to the park. They seemed to be very familiar with the park, where mobile homes were located, who lived there and the people's choice of activities which of course was dealing in drugs.

Now, I am not sure why or the reasoning behind this but for some reason, mobile homes seem to house some of the strangest people. It is not your typical housing track of hard working families living within the suburbs. I do believe that mobile homes is a 50/50 some are good, some are okay, then some are just really bad. But for me, the homes in and around mine seemed to have good people. One in particular was a lady named Raiza. She was known as the parks babysitter and the working families did trust her with their kids. She babysat Monday through Friday from six in the morning until six or seven at night.

Raiza was what I call a Saint. She opened her home to just about anyone, shared her food, shared her clothing when needed, gave rides to many of the people that were in need of a ride, and to boot, she was married with two kids. Her daughter Tiffy was a few years younger than Savi and just about the same age as Sara. Jonny her son was still a toddler and loved having all the kids come and stay because that meant he can play all day long.

Her husband was a hard working trucker and gone Monday through Friday then home on weekends only to pick up the same each and every Monday through Friday. Monday nights was when we began to notice each other. I would be outside kissing Felix good bye and she would be outside kissing her husband good bye. We often waved to each other and that was pretty much it.

Until that one Saturday. I was outside gardening and the backyard which was large, spacious, and this lush green grass was filled with sago palms. Along with the sago's was a plentiful orange tree that would blossom some the best tasting oranges ever. Me, I hated those sago palms. I had one massive one in the middle of the backyard filled with multiple sago's then I had some of them running along side the back fence.  I was determined and willful to pull those stupid palms from the yard and dispose of them. I began pitching my shovel into the ground then bending over to pull and pull with every ounce of strength I had which of course which then lead me feeling a warm flush of water running down my legs. At first I thought I peed, but I didn't, I actually popped my water and within hours I was in labor.

Felix was gone at work so the only other person to call was my parents. My dad of course chewed me out for wanting to get rid of those palms, Felix was to far from the home to come and get me and take me to the hospital so my parents were the obvious choice.

Within twelve hours my beautiful baby girl was born. I named her Sela after the actress Sela Ward. But I hyphenated name Sela-Marie. She came two months early and when they placed her on my chest right after birth she fit from one side of my shoulder to the other from head to toe. She was so small, so tiny, and that was when I noticed that she was turning blue. Her lungs had stopped working and she was quickly dying.

She was put on life support to aid her in her breathing along with tubes shoved and planted on every inch of her body. Sara was less than thrilled that I was going to have a baby again because she loved being the baby of the family. She made it very clear that middle children are the less loved children of the family and she feared the most of being forgotten. Savi, well she could of cared less if I was even on planet. I could be starving, naked, and begging for food and shelter  she would of just walked past me not giving me a second thought.

Sela was required to live within the hospital for a total of thirty two days due to her lungs and then turning jaundice. After her stay in the hospital she came home breathing on her own weighing a total of four pounds seven ounces. I remember very clearly I was so fearful of holding her. Felix did most of the holding of her for the first couple of weeks and Sara who was so scared to be the middle child stepped up rather quickly to helping me with her new baby sister. She went from hating me having another baby to loving her new baby sister so much. So, when Felix wasn't there because of work, Sara would take over and take care of her.

Savi of course, she had a different agenda. She was beginning to act out and that was the farthest thing I needed at the moment, a daughter who was determined to wreck everything. She became defiant to not only myself but to Felix as well often shouting, "your not my father, I don't need to listen to you"  I am pretty sure every single step father had heard that. Something so painful and so hurtful and hell, maybe some just don't care. But Felix did. He loved those two girls as if they were his own.

Once Raiza got wind of me being home with my new daughter she made a bee-line drive right over to my house knocking then formally introducing herself. That was when a bond was born, a friendship developed rather quickly. We became inseparable. We were often tagged as "Lucy and Ethel" from I Love Lucy. I was the crazy red head willing to try anything and everything and she was Ethel the level headed one always trying to talk me out of doing things.

Little did I know my life was about to change in one single breath....but was it a good breath?

Thursday, December 22, 2016

What does that say?

My job at the restaurant was becoming steady income. Felix and I were doing okay as a couple and I was quickly learning that he was a workaholic. He worked day and night. We never really ever sat down and shared what we both wanted out of the relationship or where it was going. We never talked of marriage, we never talked about Savi and Sara becoming his step daughters, we just went with the flow each and every day.

When he was home he was sleeping and participation in our relationship was quickly becoming nonexistent. Everything I did for the home or the girls was just as if I was single. I went to family social events with just the girls, dinners with my parents was just me and the girls, going to the grocery store, their school, dinners, breakfast, it was becoming pretty lonely. I began wondering why I was even in this relationship. I mean, I might as well have been single. I was doing the exact same thing as a single mother rather than someone in a relationship.

So, I took matters into my own hands since I found this new fighting person inside of me, someone that had developed a spine, someone that had to fight her way out of box in order to survive. I learned to speak my peace and be strong and while I was doing all this I took the "Welcome Mat" and tossed it into the trash. I had decided that I was not going to be someone else's crap from the bottom of their shoes any longer.

One afternoon on my day off and Felix still home before he left for work I decided to bring up what our relationship meant to him, where does he see this going? Obviously I should of had this conversation with him prior to him moving in but I didn't. I could quickly tell he was not comfortable speaking about our future. He wanted to change the subject but I stood strong.

I told him that it was a fair conversation and I needed to know my future not just for me but for my kids. All I got out of him was just "let's see, let's see what happens" as quickly as the conversation started, Felix was quick to ended it.

Then it happened, one morning I woke up and I began puking all over the place. I had to call into work sick and I never missed work. As the day went on, I was feeling somewhat better but not one hundred percent. Then the next morning, and the next morning, I had a general idea what was going on so I shared with Felix that I might be pregnant. He immediately became defensive and insisted that I be wrong.

Well when you have sex and Felix gets up to go to the bathroom and suddenly I hear, "Oh shit, it broke" and six weeks later I start feeling sick, what do you think that means? Well I took a pregnancy test and guess what...I was pregnant. Secretly I was so excited because here I was pregnant and I was wanting a baby boy so badly, I already had two girls, I wanted a boy, and I wanted one badly.

Felix had very different feelings about me wanting to keep this baby. He wanted me to have an abortion he kept telling me that having a baby now was the worst idea that one can ever dream of doing at our age. Me, I was thirty nine, Felix was forty three soon to be forty four. He just kept telling me over and over to not have this baby, that it could hurt our plans. I remember looking at him as if he was a complete nut job.

"Plans, what plans? You never bother to share with me our life together, you never want to talk about it, you first shoot me down then shut me off, how am I to know what plans you have?"

Still, nothing came from his mouth that gave me comfort and security regarding our future together. He never uttered one single word to me that would give me a smidgen of a hint that we even had a future together. "CHANGE" can be the hardest thing for some and yet change can be the best for others. It's not like I was trapping him, I kept thinking over and over maybe this is my son, maybe I'm finally pregnant with my son.

Was it selfish? Sure. Was I thinking of his needs? No. But then again, was he even hearing anything I have ever said to him about our future for the past two years? No. I guess that Felix was this crystal ball and our future was slowly turning and developing in his mind and I or course was supposed to know exactly what it was.

Well, I can't read minds, and I certainly can't see through a crystal ball, I needed him to communicate to me he thoughts, his dreams, what he wants for both of us, what he hates, what he loves, what pisses him off, what doesn't piss him off. Finally I just told him, "I'm keeping my baby."

My mom and dad or course had a different agenda. My mom was not so much mad at the fact that I was pregnant, she was mad that Felix had no intentions of marrying me. So, they decided to show up when I was five months pregnant and urged us both to get married. They both pushed and pushed and obviously making Felix very uneasy. So, in order to do the right thing something my father pounded down Felix's throat, we got married.

Savi was now eleven and Sara ten years old. We got married at a justice of the peace and then we celebrated by going out to dinner afterwards. That night I was hoping to spend a nice quiet evening with Felix and yet that never happened. He told me now that we are having a baby I need to pick up more work and plan for a baby.

Well the morning sickness was still very strong. If I smelled any food five miles away or five steps away I was puking my guts out. Because I was so sick I became excited to think that it was a boy. Both Savi and Sara were easy pregnancies. Never had any morning sickness, never had a problem. But this baby, kicked my ass. I was forced to stay in bed and stop working. I couldn't even raise my head without getting dizzy and forget about me standing up by myself. If I even tried to I would  just fall over on the floor.

My equilibrium was completely gone, and my doctor quickly labeled me a high risk pregnancy due to my age. He told me to take Unisome a sleeping pill that had a derivative in it that would stop morning sickness. After taking it for a whole week, the morning sickness stopped. I was able to finally eat and that is just what I did.

On the first day of being able to consume any food, I consumed in one sitting;

French Fries
Strawberry Lemonade
Chocolate Cake

Ya know, my body is just amazing when it's pregnant. I have the absolute ability to just look at food and gain sixty pounds. One would think because I couldn't consume any food for the first seven months, I would never gain weight...HELL NO, not me, I managed to gain fifty five pounds just laying bed and puking my guts out.

During my fifth month almost into my six month, I was sitting at home cleaning the house when there was a knock at the door. There was a mailman telling me to sign for a certified letter. It was from the owner of the condo.

"It is with a heavy heart but excitement for us, we have decided to sell the condo and hereby giving you a thirty days notice to move out. We have already found a buyer and they will be taking possession in the next thirty days. No cleaning will be required and all deposits given prior to moving in will be withheld." 

So, what does a pregnant woman do with two kids, a new marriage, and suddenly needing to move out and find a new place to live?

"Hello Mom"

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Life with Savi

Any woman who either chooses to be a single mother or becomes a single mother has to suddenly play many very important roles, she has to play both mother and father roles. A single mother also wears many hats. She is the homemaker, the banker, the provider, the protector, the taxi cab driver, the list goes on and on. But a single mother also faces many dilemmas, raising a willful child.

Finalizing My Court Case

The fight for me to gain my daughters back was exhausting. It had been almost one year of going back and forth in the courts. There was one continuance after another, failed court space, more evidence was needed, either someone didn't show up or someone came unprepared. My court papers were now turning into a book thicker than "Gone with the Wind" I still every single court document provided to me but some stand out more than others. Once I was given a copy of all the current court papers and my case against myself provided so readily by CPS, I was shocked at the newest ruling of how they made me out to be the villain. None of my current accomplishments were even on the current court papers.

The papers said I schemed with Daniel to molest my daughters. So, of course both daughters were told this. Once I got a copy of the court papers and I read what I read, I took matters into my own hands. A once frigged person who had both no spine or backbone, was basically a welcome mat for everyone to wipe the shit off their feet, suddenly a massive roaring fire blazed inside of me.

I decided to represent myself in all my current and pending court cases. I fired my attorney and told the judge in my case that I would be representing myself from here on out. Every single person who had either dabbled their fingers or toes in my court case along with the many attorneys playing a role in this case as well as the judge thought I was crazy. When Daniel was put up on the stand for doing what he did, I did just what my father always told me...

"Give someone enough rope, and they will hang themselves" 

I attacked Daniel like a cobra surrendering to the sounds of the soft whimsical music right before it attacks. I lunged for Daniel's jugular vein sinking my fangs into his neck with all the evil unforgiving questions, with the banter, I showed no pity to this man and why would I? I made sure that my attack was needed and counted for in the courts. I  put that man in such a corner he couldn't get out with a toothpick and flash light. I brought up evidence provided to me by Daniel Junior's mother, I attacked his credibility, I attacked his view on life, I attacked, and attacked, and then once I was done with my prey that walked into the courts, he had no legs to walk out of the courts.

I impressed the judge, I impressed Ricks attorney, I impressed even Child Protective Services. I attacked CPS for the representation they gave to my daughters, I attacked the judge for not allowing me to voice my growth as a mother. I called witnesses such as my counselor, my parenting class instructor, and once I was done, I felt as if the courts could see my conviction of how much I wanted my girls back.

Daniel was found guilty of sexual misconduct and was sentenced to ONLY six months in jail. In actuality, he only served two months in jail. But, I did however wreck his job, he lost his job, he lost his apartment and all his belongings in the apartment, he lost his truck for non-payment, and he had to register as a child molester within the state of California. Any time he tried to gain employment, buy a car, get a job it would show he was a registered sex offender. He basically lost everything he worked. And I didn't care.

Savi and Sara both  had been going to many therapy sessions to help them over come what happened with Daniel. Of course the courts made sure to tell both my daughters how awful I was as a mother which of course put both my daughters on the self-defense when they were with me. The family courts never once ever told both my girls how I working on getting them back, they never told them how much I wanted and loved them. Nope, all they heard was the negative side of my life, how much I didn't want them, how I failed to follow directions, how I was still keeping contact with Daniel when I wasn't. When something good was to be said about me or what I had accomplished, the courts made sure to remove the girls out of the court room. Savi and Sara never saw first hand what I was trying to do in order to gain back my daughters.  I mean the court papers which I still have to this day, basically states I allowed this to happen with Daniel. And that is what they told both my daughters and that is what my daughters believed. If the courts told my girls that little pink ponies were falling from the sky they would of believed the person telling them.

Healing Time 

When Rick came in and told the judge he no longer wanted the girls in his life because they were wrecking his marriage the judge was forced to place the girls with my parents. Both Savi and Sara lived with my parents for four years. They were growing in leaps and bounds and I saw them all the time. I made sure to make time every other day to go and see them. 

I was of course still getting weekly visits from CPS as a follow up forum to ensure great success and yes, there would be an adjustment with both my daughters. After all, I had not had them in my life now for almost four years. I was to make a plan on getting my daughters back and Pedro played a huge role in doing just that. 

Even though Pedro decided to ditch me and marry this girl he was still proving to be a good friend. Pedro was fully well aware of what was going on and he did all he could to make it happen I mentioned to him about a condo apartment style home that I wanted to rent but I didn't have enough money to actually move in. Pedro showed up one day at the old apartment with over two thousand in cash and told me to get the apartment and buy some things that I will need and if of course I need additional money to just ask and he will give it to me. I still to this very day feel it was guilt money for what he did to me. 

Once I moved in and began to settle into my new condo apartment style home, the girls came back to me. I was finally awarded sole and physical custody once again. Of course I had to jump through hoops and fire but I was so thrilled to have them back. The girls shared a room having their own beds and I did all I could to provide a beautiful room for the girls. My parents were so proud of me for doing all I could that I also had their financial help as well. I was on food stamps and that was okay. Felix was slowly making his way into my life and I had managed to go on a few dates with him and he was the absolute opposite I ever dreamed of. Felix was thoughtful, he was kind, he was sweet. He also had a very romantic side to him, a side I never imagined coming from such a silent soft spoken man. 

I managed to land a job working at one the most popular restaurants in the city I lived in. I was making good money and was able to pay the rent and still provide for my daughters. I had the prime shift, I worked early mornings and the lunch shift banking almost one hundred dollars a day in tips. Of course the main customers that ate at this restaurant were doctors and lawyers. I was actually taking on a whole new life and I was more than excited. Savi was slowly but with heavy caution warming up to living with me and Sara was more than glad to be back in my life. 

Sara was always the one that loved being with me the most. She was like velcro, she attached herself to my world and never let go. My parents even came forward with a brand new car for me. Life was seemingly turning around. Felix kept coming around and once my parents met him, they liked him but not as much as they loved Pedro. Of course they loved Pedro, he was rich, business motivated, and my parents thought he was my meal ticket out of their own money. But, that never surfaced. 

After several months of being a family, I went from being over two hundred plus pounds to then one hundred and twenty pounds. I began to eat right, exercise daily and the weight just began falling off. Suddenly my male counter part customers which were doctors and lawyers began seeing me in a whole new light. I became beautiful, I became sexy, I became desirable to many of the doctors and lawyers. Of course threw up the road blocks telling them;

"I am the same person either fat or thin, nothing has changed, but since you want me now that I'm thin, I have no desire to even want to be with you" 

My life seemed to going in the right direction finally. There was peace with my parents, we all were getting along, life was good. I had no complaints. Weeks turned into months and months turned into one year that was just great. 

Felix and I had become a permanent fixture and we were both in love. We spent every waking moment together and he even moved in with me. He paid all the rent and I paid the bills. I was able to finally get off of food stamps and have what seemed to be a normal life. I was thirty eight years old, I had money in the bank, a man that loved me, I loved him, my daughters were attending a great school and doing great and they quickly warmed up to Felix in a exceptional way. 

So, what could possibly go wrong? 


Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Tombstone: Here Lays Ms. Guilt

Guilt is the far worst feeling that anyone can ever live with. It is very rare that one of the smallest words can be the most misunderstood word. Virtue has ties with the word "GUILT" the same as a high sense of responsibility along with morality. Guilt is the strongest word and it can leave one feeling immobilized in both the present and the past by something that has occurred.

It can destroy a single person and no matter how many times we try to shake it, that skeleton in the closet is a constant reminder of the guilt that we suffer, the guilt can and will cripple us to absolute destruction of a human from any growth as a normal sane person. Guilt can take away any trust that we had in ourselves at one point, the way you correspond with others, people near to your heart and yes, even strangers. It will leave you second guessing your ability of even being a mother.

The night I woke up and found Daniel gone from the bed and seeing the girls bedroom closed, I opened the door and found Daniel doing the unthinkable. He was not sexually abusing them but he was fondling Savi and Sara was sitting up and watching. I immediately began screaming over and over "what the hell is going on in here" Daniel shot up and ran to the living room.

I quickly followed behind him yelling and screaming while hearing Savi and Sara crying hysterically in the bedroom. I began clinching my fist, my anger surfaced in a murderous type way. I wanted to murder him. I wanted to end his very life. My thinking just turned black. In the living room was a large pane window of glass in the middle and on both ends were sliding windows. I would guess maybe twelve feet long. I began to hover over Daniel yelling and spewing every single cuss word I could possibly think of. I struck him in his head with my fist, I began hitting him so profoundly it hurt my own hand.

He climbed from the couch to the floor then stood up, he was stepping back and back making his way to the window and without thinking I just shoved him through the plate glass window watching him fall two stories then hitting the concrete parking. I turned in a fit of rage, my mind was still black all I could of think of was killing him. All I could think of was ending his very life. To stop this man from breathing. To stop this man from ever walking in the world ever again. I turned and ran to the kitchen grabbing the butcher knife clenching it with my very being as hard as I could. I swung open the kitchen door letting it slam into the wall cracking it in two pieces watching pieces of the wall fly then landing on the carpet. I then swung open the kitchen security screen door letting it slam and hit the window in the kitchen shattering the glass.

I flew down stairs to find him moaning in pain. With all the commotion of our fighting and me just out of my mind in anger, I stood over Daniel with the butcher knife still in my hands. I began to raise it to cut him from the world. I was aiming for his head, I wanted to butcher his face, I wanted to cut his hands, all I could think of was killing him. I quickly began to notice people coming out of their homes to watch. I had drool hanging from my mouth, my heart racing, my entire being shaking, my anger out of control. As I began to swing down on Daniel who was no pleading to not kill him, he was screaming for help and I shouted right back at him, "There is no help for you, you fucking child molester. You touched my daughter, you touched her." 

Without any warning I felt a strong sense of hand in mine. She was screaming to stop, she was pulling  my hand away from Daniel with such strength it made me break. I let go of the knife and fell into her arms weeping uncontrollably. Still to this day I do not know who she was. I began screaming he molested my daughters. Within seconds the police showed up. There was so much commotion, there was so much going on. Many of the neighbors still stayed out to watch me and what was going on. As I looked around at them I heard nothing, there was no sound, there was no voice only the motion of people pointing and talking. The flashing red lights from the police, the two police officers standing next to me then one running up the stairs to the apartment.

I remember dropping to the ground still screaming in pain and fear. My mind still was not clear as to what happened. I saw the shattered glass all around me and Daniel bleeding from his neck, his back, his face from falling and landing on the glass.

I don't know if blocked out the rest, if my mind just can't seem to remember, but all I do remember from this is within four hours later, Child Protective Services showed up and removed my daughters. I remember my mom and dad showing up and I still to this very day do not remember who told them and how they knew what happened. I remember going back to the apartment and talking to the police for hours and my dad just kept telling me to keep silent. He showed the police his badge but he was quickly told he was out of his jurisdiction and his legal savvy way was not going to work.

I remember my dad becoming angry but I don't know why. I remember my mom holding me and trying to get my under control. I do remember throwing up all over the couch and the living room. I remember a police officer coming in with the butcher knife and placing it on the coffee table telling me it was my choice of weapon. I remember something about me wanting to commit murder on Daniel. Yet, I was never arrested.

I still do not remember how many days I missed work but I do remember going back to work at the restaurant I worked at as a food server. I remember being a zombie, I remember how many orders of food I messed up. I remember going home to an empty apartment. My daughters gone, there was no more laughter from them or hearing them call me mommy, there was no more giggling or snuggling on the couch to watch tv. Daniel was gone and I had no clue where my daughters were. No one would tell me where they were. My parents never found out, and my mom telling me that she can't imagine Daniel doing something like this.

All I wanted was my daughters back in my arms, I wanted to see them and because I had no clue where they were, how long they would be gone, I just wanted to die. My life seemed black, empty, cold and with nothing to live for.

I remember getting a phone call from a social worker telling me that she wanted to come over and talk to me. I quickly replied yes and when she showed up she began talking to me. I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember Daniel showing up right after she did. The social worker told me that as long as I have contact with Daniel I will not be getting my daughters back any time soon. I was so pissed that he had the nerve to show up. I was so angry at him. When the social worker was there I began yelling at him to get out to leave and he refused to leave. I remember him telling me he loved me and he had every intention of fighting to be with me.

The social worker gathered her things and left. Daniel kept showing up every single day telling me he is not doing cocaine anymore. He stopped drinking, he is clean and he wants me back. As long as he continued to show up it kept my daughters away. My dad told me to get a stay away order and that is exactly what I did. I went to court and when I did I was informed that I had a court date to show up for my girls.

There is so much that is just blank with this, I had a court appointed attorney that just sucked. No matter what efforts I made to gain my daughters back , the stay away order for Daniel, my attorney never told the judge that, he never told the judge anything that I was trying to do to get my daughters back was never once ever mentioned.

I remember finally yelling at my attorney during one of my many court appearances how he was not representing me in my best interest. I went off, I began cussing and screaming at the judge who refused to listen to me. I began cussing and screaming at my attorney, right then and there the judge ordered the girls to stay away from me because I was then labeled as a "DARYLIC PERSON" he told me I was out of control. The judge told me I would be held in contempt of court if I did not gain some control of myself and that was when I felt helpless.

My world was just spinning out of control and it was just insane. The judge did however want to place my daughters with my parents and just because my mom told one of the hundred social workers involved in my case how she couldn't see Daniel doing this, the judge quickly ordered for the girls to go live with Rick once again.

Rick was summoned by the courts that he was to have temporary custody of the girls and that currently they are in foster care and still he didn't bother to show up for them for two weeks.

The world was becoming vice on my entire being squeezing my entire world into this nugget size piece. No matter what I did, the countless counseling, the parenting classes, Daniel showed up, he continued to show up no matter where I was. If I was meeting a social worker at a restaurant to share my growth, Daniel would be in the restaurant and of course the social worker would see him and quickly take notes that I still  had contact with Daniel when in fact I was fighting for him to leave. No matter how many stay away orders I had, he managed to disappear every time I called the cops. When the cops were gone he would show up again.

After four years of fighting for my kids, countless court dates, fighting with Rick, the judge, my attorney, the social workers, I finally got my daughters back.

But Savi had a different agenda, she didn't want to be with me, she learned to hate me she learned to not call me mom anymore, she began calling me by my first name and I quickly corrected her each time. She was angry at me and the world. She was even more angry at Rick because during one of our many court battles he showed  up telling the courts he didn't want the girls in his life anymore because they were "A PROBLEM" to his marriage to Jackie.

And then my life changed on a dime.....


Sunday, December 18, 2016

Some of the most hardest things.....

To often when dealing with the past, it can be the hardest thing to share, talk about, acceptance along with guilt. It can flood our memories far more worse then a massive flood taking out an entire town. When we dare to open up about the past memories that have caused such pain in our very lives it can or will create sleepiness nights, guilt can creep back into our lives that can be far more worse then a would be robber creeping through our very own home.

To often when we are flooded with such pain we like to think that we buried it wanting to never disturb those memories ever again. But from the most experienced to inexperienced therapist they often tell us, "opening up your mind to such pain is a way of healing, it is a way of accepting what happened in our past so that our future is far more brighter."  

This is a part of my life that I wish never happened, I wished it would just go away, but, I will die with the guilt, I will be buried with the memories of what happened.

His Name is Daniel

When I was living with my parents along with Savi and Sara, time and life was taking such a toll on both of my mom and dad. I had managed to get a job working as a waitress at a local restaurant and each time I worked it meant that whoever was home either mom or dad, ended up babysitting. The little puns and hurtful words from my mom and dad were getting worse and worse. I had developed a friendship with one of the girls at the restaurant named Cheryl. 

We hit it off so good. It was an instant friendship. She lived on her own with her boyfriend Ted. They had the cutest apartment together. I was constantly with them and when I was I had my babies in tow just as much. I tried really hard to never leave the girls behind no matter where I went. I was always trying to give my parents some breathing room from both the girls. 

My parents were beginning to feel like hostages within their own house from either babysitting while I was work and missing out on the life they worked so hard to have once retirement become real. I was beginning to miss the single life and wishing I could take a break from being a mom. Rick was still non existent in the girls life until one day I did the unthinkable....

I called Rick asking him if he wants to take the girls for a while and have them live with him. It was something that no mother in her right mind would ever do but I was not in my right mind. I was flooded with guilt from my parents and freedom was ringing in my ears louder then a town crier running around ringing a bell. So, I loaded up the kids with Ted in his truck and the girls, and dropped them off at Ricks. I remember looking back at the girls and watching them scream and cry for me, "MOMMY, MOMMY COME BACK" as I drove away. 

Once my parents learned what I did OH MY GOD, the anger that flooded them, they were so pissed at me. But I tried explaining to them that now they can actually do that retirement, they can now travel, I was trying to do the right thing, but the conversation went from bad to worse. I kept telling myself it was the best thing for everyone involved. I kept telling myself it was okay that I did this but as I kept telling myself this I recognized very quickly that I was the only one having this conversation with myself. I know now that I was trying to find acceptance within my own heart of what I did to the girls. 

I just didn't want to be a mom anymore. I missed my freedom. I went from being married, to getting divorced, to finding Rick then to a battered woman then to a mother, then to feeling like I was chained into a life I thought I didn't want. I felt so confined. Right after I moved the girls to Ricks house, my parents informed me that I needed to move out. So, I rented a room from Cheryl and moved in. My parents disowned me and barely spoke to me. The harder I worked at both of them the angrier they got with me. I knew that I needed time with them, and time would heal all wounds right? 

Then I met Daniel, I was at home on my day off from the restaurant when the phone rang at the house. I answered and it was someone looking for someone else with a wrong number. He excused himself and then within seconds he called back again and once again I told him he had the wrong number still.  

The third time he called I found myself liking his voice he had this sexy mysterious voice and a great laugh. We ended up talking for hours on the phone which then turned into wanting to meet each other. The next day Daniel showed up at the apartment. I was surprised at how handsome he was. I was surprised that he was even single. We went out for coffee and talked from the early afternoon to late in the evening. From that day on we saw each other non-stop. We had so much in common. He too had a little boy named Daniel Junior. He was the same age as Savi at the time five years of age. 

Our dating turned from weeks into months, into one year. Finally we decided to move in with each other. Daniel was proving that he was a great father. He was the coach on his son's little league team, his soccer team, he was a very involved father. That was when I began to really miss my daughters. I was missing that connection with them, I was now suddenly missing being a mom. I was missing their hugs, their laughter, their love for me. 

Daniel began insisting on moving the girls in with us I was so excited when he finally brought it up. I was so excited to finally find a man who wanted to have my girls with me. I had contacted a lawyer and he told me because no papers were signed on Rick taking the girls I still had sole and physical custody of the girls and I could go and take them from him whenever I wanted to. So, that is what I did, I went with Daniel and moved the girls to me with me again. 

That is what brought my parents back into my life. They were more than happy to talk to me once again. They had come to really like Daniel and felt like I finally found a great guy. They approved of him big time. They even liked his son. It was as if we were this perfect little family. 

Until it happened......

Daniel was beginning to act different, he was changing and I couldn't figure out why. Our great relationship was turning into fights almost nightly. He began staying out until late in the night. We just fought so much. I was so scared, I was fearful, I was frightened. I was beginning to have memories of what it was like to live with Rick once again. We stopped doing things together, he stopped coaching his son's sporting events, he just became different. I couldn't put my finger on it until that one night. 

I found him in the garage inside of his truck doing cocaine lines. I freaked out on him and began yelling and screaming at him. It suddenly made sense, all his bad behavior suddenly made sense. Even the girls were acting up each and every time he walked into the room. The girls began to hide from him, Sara cried every time she saw him, she would cling to me like saran wrap. Savi would run and hide in her closet. 

I went from having this great job, having money in the bank, a great guy, my mom and dad back in my life, to suddenly finding him doing cocaine and the girls acting up each time they both saw him. Daniel Junior was barely around anymore and my life was just spinning out of control again. 

Then one night every thing came full circle. I put the girls to bed and both of them begged for me to sleep with them, they cried and cried and begged and begged for me to sleep with them. I tried to console the girls telling them all was okay I was just in the next room and it didn't matter to them, they still begged and pleaded with me. I just couldn't understand no matter how many times I tried to piece the puzzle together none of the pieces just fit. It was as if I had blinders on. When Daniel and I were in bed and I was trying to find some way to bring up the cocaine incident to talk to him about it, we just ended up fighting once again. I had given up and just fallen a sleep but then something woke me up in the night. 

I looked over on Daniels side of the bed and he was gone. I checked the time, it was two-thirty in the morning. I of course began to wonder where he was. I climbed out of bed and left the bedroom when I noticed right across from our bedroom was the girls room and their bedroom door was closed. They never slept with the door closed, they hated that the door was ever closed. 

And that is when I found him.....

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

responding to comments

Can someone please write to me at and give me step by step instructions on how to see comments left by people that read my post. I would love to be able to read them and respond back.


Reading post

Can someone please email me at and educate me on reading responses from my post. I get all these responses but I don't see them.

I guess I need a step by step instruction guide on how to read the post of others that read my blog



So since I began this blog I shared my life about domestic violence. I shared painful intimate things that happened, how Sara was conceived through rape, the disfigurement of my face, the scars not only on the outside but the inside as well. Living in fear while always looking over my shoulder to now judging every single man that crossed my path.

So what constitutes a survivor and what is the definition of a survivor? Well, we can ask a million people what their own definition is of a survivor and we will have a million different answers. We survive car accidents, surgery, falls, hip replacements, breast cancer, cancer, divorce, the list goes on and on. But to survivor domestic violence is one thing that is right up there with everything else.

I can sit and type out my stories, share how others are not alone, I can hopefully inspire someone to get out, how I got out, how escaping such a life can be the hardest and scariest thing to ever do. I have read countless stories of women who have not survived domestic violence and death becomes them. I had met parents who have buried their daughters from domestic violence. I have shared my story on stage in front of hundred of women who have just escaped domestic violence and how getting their life back on track is really hard.

I learned a lot about myself, I learned how strong I am, I learned how to overcome such tragedy, I learned how to fight back, I learned how to accept defeat with grace and dignity, and I learned how to live in fear.

The best thing I ever did for myself was going to therapy. My therapist taught me what "red flags" are and how to look for red flags without the other person knowing what your searching for in them. Did I still live with being bitter, YOU BET! did I learn to be a bitch, YOU BET! did I learn to judge other men while hurting my chances of finding love, YOU BET! I had ultimately without knowing it, slowly I was becoming my own worst enemy.

My therapist told me that was of course there is a learning curve that I had to search deep down within my own soul of finding that happy place. How was I learn what a happy place was when I was miserable with myself and having a true misunderstanding of what happiness even was?

Finding my way back to being social was the hardest must misunderstood journey with myself. I was learning to me a mother, and not just any mother but a single mother. I was learning to hopefully find some solace with just life in general. Every large bang or sound made me jump, made my heart race, made me second guess my surroundings.

Life with two daughters was moving on and Savi was growing as well as Sara and I had managed to land a job working at a local janitorial firm. I was sick and tired of living on food stamps and cash-aid and not really having any kind of help from Rick. I had given up on Rick and collecting any child support and he had given up on working and no matter what I did to try to collect anything from him, he just become more bullet proof with any judge, commissioner, or any court that I attended.

Life was just moving along for everyone else but for me, I always felt like I was on this moving escalator and it was going round and round never going anywhere. The job I had was slowly giving me some peace and I was now beginning to trust some people not just anyone though. I had managed to land a one bedroom apartment for me and both girls. Savi and Sara slept in the bedroom while I slept on the pull out couch in the living room. It wasn't the best place but it was our place.

The janitorial company I was working at was a franchise company meaning that they sold franchises to people wanting to own their own business doing janitorial work. One of the biggest franchise owners was Pedro Garcia. He had the knack and talent of taking twenty five cents and turning it into twenty five thousand dollars.

He was rich, good looking and he had a heart of gold. Every single time he came in we talked and talked and I often had to contact him regarding the multiple franchises he bought into. Every single woman that was single inside this company wanted him but they only wanted him because he was RICH!

The manager of this company Jason, was just a snake in the grass. Jackie, the account receivable manager was just as much a snake in the grass as Jason. Often I would see them both talking behind closed doors about finances within the company which was supposed to have me attend but I was always left out of those meetings. Jason had managed to give me a job promotion as quality assurance which meant I had to keep track of the all the accounts that was sold as well as any money that transpired between the current franchise owners and new franchise owners. I was also in charge of setting up training nights and the hiring of cleaners for the franchise owners.

One summer afternoon I was in the file room and I was tending to Pedro's files because he just purchased over ten thousand dollars of new business. I began skimming through the new accounts he had purchased but there was a lack of reporting any money that changed hands from Pedro to Jason for these new accounts. That of course set off the "RED FLAGS" that was when I noticed Jason was driving a new car, sporting new suits, taking multiple vacations and he was always trying to get Pedro to buy into more business.

I took Pedro's file and began photo copying all the current new accounts and how the money was not put into the file. It had appeared that he purchased this new business but no money had switched hands yet. I went to my office and closed the door and called Pedro immediately. I asked to meet him privately somewhere to talk without anyone hearing. I begged him to not say anything to Jason yet until I got to the bottom of things.

Once we met he began flipping through all the new accounts then wondering why the ten thousand dollars he brought in was not recorded. That made Pedro look like he was stealing business from the company. That put him in financial jeopardy.

I told Pedro I was going to balance Jason's books and see if in fact he is recording any and all monies that transpired with the new accounts and where the money was going. As I began the balancing of money I began to notice that fifty thousand dollars was not recorded for new business. I immediately took it to Jackie the company bookkeeper and she just looked like a deer caught in head lights.

She questioned why I was balancing books then becoming alarming suspicious. I just stood there looking at her waiting to answer me. She of course never did. So, I left the room and took my findings to Jason's office presenting what I found. '

I remember the conversation like it was just seconds ago...

"Why are you balancing my books, what is the meaning of you doing this and what are you accusing me of?" Jason just stared at me wide-eyed and fearful. You know that look, when someone gets caught and they can no longer look into your eyes any longer.

"Because there is fifty thousand dollars of new business missing that you failed to log into the franchise owners files. That Jason makes it look like they are stealing business, do you want to share with me why the purchases that these franchise owners made is not recorded?"

"I owe you no explanation and I am insulted that you are accusing me."

"Accusing you, those are your words Jason not mine. Sixty percent of the business is from Pedro so you either tell me where the money is or I will get on the horn and share this information with the franchise owners as well as corporate in San Diego along with the police. I believe fifty thousand dollars is a felony."

After leaving Jason's office and him now freaking out that I knew his secret I had over fifteen messages from Pedro, Joe and Nancy, Felix, and other franchise owners that was part of that fifty thousand dollars. That was when I saw Jackie running into Jason's office knowing that the gig was up. I had caught them both. Jason was stealing money and giving part of the money he was stealing form the franchise owners to Jackie as well. Man oh man, there was turmoil in the office. Everyone was asking me what was going on, why Jackie was almost in tears and why Jason was so pissed at me.

I called Pedro and told him to meet me for dinner and we could talk. Pedro called the other franchise owners as well and what I thought would be just me and him at dinner turned out to me a social meeting with very pissed people.

After everyone left Pedro and I sat alone and we began to talk, and talk, and talk. Little did we both know a relationship was developing and it was a great relationship at that.

Love Begins for Me!!

A child that masters the art of escape!!

No one ever really knows why other's do what they do, we can go and people watch at the mall grab some coffee, cop a squat and just watch. We try to rationalize in our heads why people do what they do and yet we just can't seem to come up with an answer. I don't know about you, but when I people watch and I see people doing things that just spin my head, I then begin to wonder if people are watching me when I am out with my two daughters.

I must look like a mother on crack. The dark tired under eye look, the battered skin, the messed up hair, no makeup, and of course I was a human snot rag for not just the snot from Savi, but, for the formula that Sara was now drinking, the spit up, and any other thing that came either out of the mouths of my daughters or their butts.

I could of sprayed the most expensive perfume on me at the mall and I still would of smelled like a used diaper, formula, cookies from Savi, and baby wipes. Here I was coming down the mall with two babies in one stroller. One screaming to get out, one screaming to be fed, a diaper bag in tow along with a purse, keys, and me in my sweats and not giving two shits of what I looked like. Exhaustion looked better than me.

 I remember when Savi was barely three years old. I went inside a store located in our quaint mall. My mind just wasn't working that day I don't think. Maybe a lack of coffee or maybe just a lack of oxygen. I found some cute clothes purchased them and then left the store actually glad that I found something cute that I could fit into. As I was strolling down the mall I realized half-way down the stroller seemed a lot lighter. I stepped in front only to notice that Savi was no longer in the stroller.

I of course freaked out. Like when someone loses their keys to the car or forgets their wallet when they are just dying to purchase something. Now this was only a two person stroller that means only a two person seat. But I began ripping that stroller apart as if it was a twenty person seat. I grabbed Sara by one arm dangled her in mid-air while she started screaming, I began screaming, and then I did what we all do, I began thinking where I saw her last. I threw Sara into the stroller popped a wheelie and began going at the speed of sound back to the store where I made my purchases.

I could feel my heart racing, I imagined calling my mom and dad and telling them, "hey, did you guys ever lose me in the mall? Because I lost Savi in the mall, I don't know where she is. The last place I saw her was in the stroller but now she is gone." I was running into people, slamming people on their heels with my stroller as they screamed obscenities as I passed them, tears running down my eyes while fearing the worse when you lose a child.

I plowed into the store screaming hitting customers and knocking down mannequins screaming  I lost my daughter is she here, did she get out of the stroller in this store? The manager began frantically searching the entire store. The dressing rooms, the backroom, behind the register nothing. Savi was no where to be found. I began screaming and just coming unglued. Sara was screaming from the commotion, and I just stood there blank not caring.

The manager called mall security and mall security called the local police. So what happens when you lose a child in the biggest mall? They do an automatic lock down closing each and every door in the mall. I mean each and every single door that either lead to the outside parking lot, elevator doors, fire escape doors, everyone was either locked in and others could not get in. Me standing there with snot running down my face, I can't speak because of the blubbering of cries, I was shaking uncontrollably while the manager tired to console me.

Then it happened, Savi popped out from under the rack of the clothes giggling and laughing, like it was a joke. There I was now crouched on the floor hysterical following by screaming that only dogs could hear how I lost my child, I managed to draw a huge crowd around me and of course everyone was pointing fingers while whispering, "what kind of a mother loses her own child" or there were people whispering, "poor woman, she lost her child" and then there were others that said, "when I bring my child to the mall I know just where they are"

Right at that moment I knew that she was going to be my nightmare child. She was going to push every single button, try every single thing to drive me crazy and as far as I was concerned she had this master plan of making me insane. Imagine a small two year old already mastering the art of driving me crazy.

Little did I know that this was only the beginning of my nightmare

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Time still moves on

Time does not stand still nor is it our best friend when we feel such pain. We can look out the window and see other's lives continue. We can see people laughing and living it up having a blast with their life yet we just feel like our life stands still. Sometimes we try to surround ourselves with positive people and yet the anger still rages deep down inside. We can be conflicted with how other's lives is so put together or seemingly appears to be put together, and yet, we could not put our puzzle of life together even if the pieces were in jumbo size and only ten pieces.

I had just about given up on child support, fighting Rick, listening to my parents complain and moan and groan with how their lives were dishing out for them. I was sick and tired of hearing my brother constantly reminding me of how I had turned everyone's lives upside down. I prayed every single day that his life would come to a screeching halt or he would have to struggle financially just so he can get a taste of my life.

If anyone knows me they know I am the very first person to stand up and take blame for things I have put upon myself, I will not blame anyone for my own actions yet at the same time I blamed Rick for treating me so badly. I tried to leave Rick countless times, I tried to escape during the night, I tried to escape when he was at work.

We all know that there are doctors, psychologist, therapist, that will sit there and say, "Yes, I know your pain except you always add that word "BUT" there are no "BUTS" you are in control of your own destiny."

I was either locked into the multiple apartments we lived in when he left for work, or I was so beaten if tried to go outside I would make the Zombies of the "Walking Dead" look more beautiful then myself.

Savi and Sara were growing in leaps and bounds. Rick had now met and fell in love with a woman named Jackie and my heart just went out to Jackie. She, very much like myself, came from a well-to-do family. Her father a very prominent dentist to the Hollywood Stars, countless millionaires, now had a daughter chasing after Rick. Rick played the part very well. Jackie also fell into the same dark, cold hole as I did. "My love for Rick will change him" 

Rick was now becoming the master manipulator just a master at his worst talents. You could be sucked into his very deceiving life and not even know it. It is sorta like that dust ball that hides behind your couch. It just doesn't see the vacuum coming and before that dust ball can dodge the vacuum it just sucked right into it.

Jackie was at the time a pre-school teacher. She graduated with her masters in education from UCLA, she had her own house, her own car, her own bank account. She would eventually end up like the shaking mouse in the snakes cage contemplating its death.

I remember very clearly when Rick brought her over to my parents house so that the girls could meet her. I just stood there shaking my head back and forth as she beamed joy and love for Rick. The gleaming love in her eyes for this asshole was more than I could stand. I was just ready to puke and I almost felt sorry for her. As Jackie continued to share her life with me I just stood there dumbfounded at her gushing love for this man.

"Wow, rose colored glasses seem to suit you very well Jackie." Savi was all to interested in getting to know her. She let Jackie hold her and love her. I of course was beyond pissed. Was I jealous, of course I was. I wanted to rip my child out of her arms and yell and scream for her to have babies with this idiot and then she can mess up her own kids lives but not mine. Yet, Savi was more then willing to go anywhere at anytime with both of them.

Sara on the other hand was more reserved. She wanted to stay with me, she put up a good fight screaming and yelling mommy over and over begging to stay with me. I of course wanted to do the right thing and made Sara go with her idiot father and the rose colored glasses Jackie.

As the months dragged on Rick and Jackie appeared without notice at my parents front door sharing how they are now engaged. Sara was becoming more accepting of Jackie yet I could tell she still struggled with going with all of what appeared the perfect family.

"So, Jackie, let me ask you this, how much of your savings is gone with you paying for almost everything? How many holes are in your walls now from Rick punching them? How many times has he gotten drunk with you and wanted to beat your face in? How many times has he forced sex on you when you didn't want sex with him? How much longer are you going to allow this man to take control of you before you wake up to see him for what he is?"

Of course Jackie recanted with "never, he has never done that to me nor will he ever do that, I am much stronger than you."

So weeks before the wedding instead of sending a wedding card I sent her a sympathy card. I went to prop it outside the mailbox noticing that the mail had already arrived. As I dug through the mail I found something so shocking. I ripped open the envelop to find a check in the amount of $4,333.87 cents made out to me along with a statement;

"For the payment of child support due to loss of child support for the past year." I jumped for joy!! I was so elated, I couldn't believe I actually received money. I called my mom right away telling her that I had gotten the check and she too was excited. I immediately went out and bought diapers, food, toys for the girls and gave my parents the rest of what was left over.

Days before the wedding I of course got a phone call from Rick. He was so pissed!!

"I want my earned money back you bitch! that is my money, that is not your money. That money was to be used for Jackies wedding ring and our wedding along with our honeymoon. So help me God, you cash that and spend it I will come hunt you down and you will pay." good thing I had recorded that statement from him. Out of the advice of my dad he told me to start recording all my conversations with Rick. He had supplied me with a small recorder he often used in many of his cases.

"Sorry, it's already spent, you seem to feel that child support is not required when you have kids but the court seem to feel you are required to pay me money each month for your daughters."

"We agreed to not pay child support, you even agreed to that."

"Where in the hell did you come up with that idea, who in their right mind would ever agree to that? That is your fantasy not mine. I am appealing my child support and now seeking wage garnishment along with all tax returns or, you can go to jail. I am fully pushing forward for what is your daughters money."

"Fine then you bitch, I won't work, I will leave you empty handed I am not paying you any money when your parents are fully capable of paying for the girls."

"Okay, you want to play that way, let's play, I will king you and take your game Rick. You don't want to play I will see to it your going to jail. That is so like you to leave it up to everyone else to support your sorry ass isn't it?"

I slammed down the phone and I felt a rush of excitement flow through my body. I finally did it, I finally stood up to him. My heart was racing from both fear of what he will do but more for the ability to standing up to him.

"Oh yeah Rick, all of our conversations are being recorded. So, when we go to court for a follow up on the child support case in two weeks, I will use this against you. I don't think that a judge is going to be in your favor this time."

"I am going to kill you, you stupid bitch."

"Your still being recorded Rick."

I felt empowered, I felt safe, I felt like I finally was feeling free from his threats and demeaning way. I had a spring in my step and I was finally beginning to feel whole once again.

Court Date

"You so much as play that tape of me speaking to you, I make sure to my daughters, leave with them, and never bring them back. Wait..where is that recorder, so help me God, you have that on you right now, I will smash it like I will your face."

I just turned in front of him and entered the court room. I sat down where I was instructed to by the bailiff along with all the papers I had received along with my giant check from his tax garnishment. I then took out of my pocket the recorder in which I had just recorded our conversation outside the doors of the court room.

"Do you have any new evidence of any child support for yourself in regards to Savi and Sara?"

"Yes your honor, I do, I would also like to submit evidence to the court the conversations between Rick and myself within the last weeks that just passed and the most recent one just before we entered your court your honor."

"I'd like to hear it. Hand it over my bailiff please." the bailiff took the recorded then handed it to the judge and when he pressed play, I never ever saw Rick more fearful about something ever before. I could see the fear in his eyes, the beads of perspiration on his top lip as well as his forehead. I could see his hands beginning to shake. I just stood there watching him funny thing is, he never once even looked at me. Funny how he seems so mighty and so powerful everywhere else but now that I had this evidence on him, he resembled Superman with his kyroptonite crumbling to the judge playing my new evidence.

"Well, well, well, Rick, what do you have to say for yourself now?'