Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Bring Home Baby

We have heard time and time again, "in order to move on with your life, you need to heal from your past" possibly that is why so many people write diaries or they blog, some even write books then placing a character within when actually it is them that they are talking about.

So many people will harbor on the past and live in pain fearing of facing the actual pain itself. I have met plenty of drunks that when drinking themselves into an absolute comatose stage, just before their brain shuts off, they tend to share their world through their eyes and yes, it is rough, it can be heart breaking, they go from sharing to crying then yelling and yes, there is always a mother who did this, a father who did that, or there is a jealous state of mind of either their brother or sister who is more successful then themselves.

There are so many things in today's world that is considered, "VOODOO" to ever speak of. Some call it politically incorrect, some call it being racist, and so many others have the insight, "if I can't see it, then it doesn't exist" my mother is very prone to that thinking in her world and the world around her.

She often reminds me of those horses in New York Central Park wearing those blinders for their eyes so they do not become spooked or fearing what stands before them, "if the horse can't see it, then it doesn't exist" have you ever experienced someone with the same thinking?

There are reasons why things happen to people, some call it growth, some call it understanding your strength, and some call it just growing up. There is a rule to living through hardship...

Rule: If you can talk about it and not get mad, then your over it. Yet, if you talk about and you still get mad, then your not over it." plain and simple! Its pretty self explanatory.

For the people who do experience such hardship, maybe, just maybe, others can learn from it and understand that they are not alone, and for those that do suffer such a hardship, well some just done bounce back. Like the drunk on the corner begging for money, others who refuse to work and live off the state because they feel their lives are stagnant and insignificant. Remember, everyone has a story no matter who you are, what you do, how wealthy you have become or how poor you are, it's what you do with your story.

Postpartum Depression II

When I woke up after sleeping for what seemed like days I crawled out of my bed that was now damp from my sweat. Summers in the Valley of San Fernando were always a sweltering temperature. Living upstairs in the apartment during these summers was just like living outside during the one hundred and eight degrees followed with no air conditioning is just a horrible way to live.

As I stumbled out of my bed dazed and confused, my head was still foggy from the medicine provided to me by a doctor. My mom of course refused to believe I had such an issue. She refused to believe that her daughter had anything wrong with her. She even began to become confrontational spewing out her angry hurtful words ready to always remind me I was a mother now that I better get a grip on life and start behaving like a new mother.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror seeing my hair scattered all over while strands of hair also clung to my neck and face. My body ached so badly from the C-section and being stapled after the birth of my daughter twenty eight times both the inside and the outside, I felt as if I got hit by a bus. Every movement, twist or turn I would drench my tank top from the milk that now was coming in. The nape of my neck had trickling beads of sweat dripping down in both directions first my breast then my back.

As I walked from the bathroom to the living room area the apartment was dead silent. The peace and quit was such a relief I loved being alone and not hearing a sound of anything. As I looked around I saw the boxes of baby gifts along with boxes of diapers. The trash can was over flowing with gift wrapping and ribbons. Staring at the trash can I never remembered even opening these gifts ever. The dining table scattered with baby products it was then a nagging painful reminder, "I was now a mother, something I swore I would never be, something I was perfectly content on never being."

I never questioned where my daughter was and as long as she was gone, I was perfectly fine with that. I was so troubled and confused on why I didn't have that instant maternal reaction so many mothers have the minute their babies are brought into the world. That first touch, that first kiss, that first hug that new mothers do, it is a love that is so strong no one or nothing can or would ever break that bond.

I was numb from fighting this evil war within my body and mind while still dealing with an exhaustion I never felt before. One minute I was crying, the next minute I was pissed, the other times I was angry at myself for how my life turned out. I wanted to close my eyes while squeezing them tightly wishing and hoping that when I opened them, I was back to the life I had before. But the smells of the apartment, the stifling heat, the exploding belly along with the pain I knew no matter how tightly I closed my eyes or how many wishes or prayers that I asked for, my life was going to be different.

As my phone began rang it was the shrill ringing sounds banging in my head that hurt. I clasped my hands to my head begging for the sound to stop, I began to shake violently I begged and pleaded once again for it to stop yet it just continued to ring and ring. Angrily I turned to the baby clothes on the table tossing them all about then grabbing the trash can filled with gift wrap I threw it letting it hit the walls dumping trash all over the carpet. As I stormed over to the phone looking at the "Caller ID" I just shook my head with disgust, it was my parents. I contemplated on answering it but I knew if I didn't, they would continue to either call or just show up.

Finally I just got up the courage and answered...

"Well, finally you wake up, we have been calling you since the other day. Did you get enough rest?"

I clinched my fist tightly feeling my nails digging into the palm of my hands, my jaw taught and firm I cleared my throat and told her yes even though I felt as if I didn't. She then shared how her and my dad were bringing home my daughter to me. They never asked if it was okay, they never asked if I was ready and I thought that was the most selfish thing that a parent can do to their daughter how was suffering in such pain.

All I could do is just tell her, "sure, bring her home, whatever."

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

The Affects of a New Mother

There was some genius out in this vast huge world that invented dishwashers, vacuums, anything and everything to make a woman's time in the kitchen supposedly "better" these are everyday things that would require a manual if something went wrong. We even have manuals for simple hand mixers not the Kitchen Aid mixers but everyday useful three speed hand mixers that even come a manual.

They help you understand the product you just bought. A simple product that could cost in the range of $10.00 dollars up into the thousands of dollars in which these manuals are supposed to help you understand your purchase and just how to use it.

I along the multiple millions of others who have shouted to the roof tops, "why can't babies come with a manual, why is it they can make a manual for a simple three speed hand mixer but they can't come up with a manual for having a baby?"

Sure, there was Dr. Spock, one of the nations leading baby doctors who wrote one of the top selling baby books in the world which hundreds of women read religiously hoping their baby would resemble what this famous man wrote. Then there was the book, "What to Expect When Your Expecting" another hot commodity for all pregnant women. Even I read it and yeah, there was some truth to it. Like every baby and every pregnancy, they are and can be different from one woman to the next.

Does heartburn actually mean that your baby will be filled with a head of hair or is it genetic? Why is it a Hispanics and produce a baby filled with a head of hair and yet you get a Caucasian having a child and it seems as if they gave birth to a baby whos head resembles a shiny naked bowling ball?

Then, as the time draws near for you to birth your baby, of course every single woman on the planet wants to share their horror stories when they birthed their baby, you know the type, "oh my God, when my son came into the world, the epidural didn't even work, don't waste your time, your baby will still rip you from stem to stern and nothing down there is EVER the same again." Then you have women that share in the joy of what they felt, their eyes well up with tears when they share about their birth and then there are fathers who tell other men, "do it the old fashion way, wait in the waiting room, its like watching Godzilla giving birth."

Then the moment arrives...

I myself spent thirty-six hours in labor and finally my doctor came in and said we must do a C-section which of course scared the crap out of me. I have been told time and time again to share my life story with my oldest daughter. I have also been told time and time again that my story can help others understand that they are not the only ones going through what I went through.

Trust me, there are so many parents that can and will experience themselves living day to day in some of the deepest and darkest places with their baby, child and or teen wondering what happened, what went wrong, did we not do enough, did we do to much, right then and there you will ultimately believe you are the only one ever experiencing such a life or world.

I am here to tell you, you are not alone, that like you, other mothers single or married have walked a mile in your shoes and as every life is different like every child is different, the pain is the same, the hurt is the same, the feeling defeated is the same, and I, who then wished I never had children well, do others like myself wish that as well?

I am a firm believer that there are people out there in this huge world that are not meant to ever have kids and I believe I was one of them. Right before my first daughter was born I contemplated adoption I thought it about it during my last trimester I was consumed of the thought of turning her over to a family that could provide a world and life far better than what I can ever give her. I never wanted to be one of those women who lived on food stamps, who needed the support and help from my parents, who lived at home with their parents and their babies.

I never wanted to be bogged down with a screaming crying baby and I actually thought if I gave her up, she would have a fighting chance at a life for superior than what I could provide for her. Yet, at the same time I wondered what if I could give her a life that would change my world and possibly make me be a better person?

Finally, after thirty six hours and experienced being cut , pulled, stretched and yanked, my first daughter was brought into this world. She was HUGE! Nine pounds and fifteen ounces and twenty six inches long. No wonder my doctor thought I was carrying twins.

I remember reading about "Postpartum Depression" I remember reading stories about the effects it can have on new mothers. I even went as far as telling myself and somewhat mocking the idea of every having such a thing well, Postpartum Depression attacked me and it was severe.

For every whimper, every cry, every movement my new daughter did the more I struggled with reality. I struggled in having that connection of when a new mother holds her baby. No, my depression was exactly as I tell you, it was SEVERE! I wanted to kill my baby, I wanted to end her world, I wanted to harm her. Even though my brain told me no it was wrong my affect of this depression and my thoughts were stronger and with my clouded thoughts and emotions, doing wrong was so much easier than trying to connect to my new daughter and being a mother.

My emotions were off the charts and the more she cried the more I wanted to end the wailing and screaming I was desperate to get it to stop and the more I thought death was my only option I called my mom screaming and crying to come get her, I begged her to take her from me because if she didn't I was going to kill her. I even placed her on top of the counter letting her roll off hoping that she would hit her head and die.

When my parents finally showed up, I was cowering in the corner of the kitchen crying and screaming so loudly. They found Savi with swollen eyes from crying, she was barely breathing from loss of breath and when my dad scooped her up and began gently pounding on her back to get her to breath my mom stood over me yelling and screaming at me demanding for me to tell her what the hell was wrong with me.

I just begged for them to take her away from me, I screamed I no longer wanted her, I told them to let her die, I begged for them to let her die. My dad screamed to call nine-one-one and when they arrived my first born was fine she was breathing and feeding from a bottle. I was the one that lost my mind, I was the one that wanted to actually die, I was the one that wanted to end my life.

I remember the paramedics telling my mom and dad while they urgently worked on me stuffing my view with an IV and fluid that I was suffering postpartum depression and it was severe. I was dehydrated from crying while simultaneously experiencing sleep deprivation. My breast were engorged feeling as if they were going to explode from the milk that finally arrived. My entire body ached so badly I imagined it was far worse than someone getting hit by a train and dragged down the tracks at one hundred miles per hour upon jagged huge chunks of broken glass.

I was raced to the hospital with my parents and my first born following closely behind. My mom of course hated any doctor let alone a doctor telling her what I was suffering from. She didn't believe there was such an issue and both my mom and the doctor went round and round then him leaving on his heels pissed at her. My dad of course was embarrassed from my mom's behavior and my mom thought the doctor was a quack, but the doctor came back with a medical book shoving it in my mom's face demanding that she read about postpartum depression and how urgent it was to get a handle on it.

I was put on antidepressants and ordered by the ER doctor to seek out therapy for my current mental thinking. My parents of course never shared what I did to my first born, they never shared how I wanted to kill her, they never shared about her falling from the counter to hard kitchen floor, as a matter of fact my dad tried several times to get me to hold her and with each attempt I just shoved her away.

I was released and dropped off by my parents at my apartment. They of course did not go home empty handed. They took Savi with them along with her portable crib, diapers, clothing, and any other items they would need not fully knowing how long they would have her.

As they packed up their car I just stood with my back to parents staring out at the large plate glass window never turning around to watch them leave with my baby. I didn't cry, I didn't show any emotion, as a matter of fact, I was relieved I would no longer hear those coo's and gurgles or the whimpering cries of a new born.

I crawled into bed withdrawn, exhausted, confused of who I was and what happened. My head was so foggy and unclear of any wrong doing I did. My brain kept telling me I did something wrong yet my heart told me no I didn't do anything wrong. I felt as if I was living in the worlds smallest box desperate and fighting for my life to get out. There were no windows there were no doors and the longer I stayed in this confining box the more I felt trapped and confined.

I had set my alarm for six hours to ensure I take my medication that was given to me from the ER doctor and as I lay my head down in my bed my room began spinning out of control. I grabbed my head screaming for the spinning to stop, I pleaded and bartered for it to stop. I could feel the tightness of my chest closing in making it hard for me to breath turning from breathing to panting like a dog in a hot car.

Sleep was knocking on my head demanding for me to close my eyes telling me to just let sleep take over then promising me I would feel better. Eventually, I finally gave into the demanding sleep letting it take control of me while I then let out a huge waft of air from my parched dry mouth allowing my eyes to flutter like a butterflies wings. I could feel my body turning limp almost numb to the feeling of that beautiful slumber of sleep now taking control over me.

That was Saturday, when I woke up, it was Sunday afternoon.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Mother & Father IV

When I was in law school, I wrote a paper that shook the very core and soul of my law professor. I spent hours writing, editing, and finally turning in my paper. He was not only moved, he was questioning me if I even wrote the paper or if I committed plagiarism. As insulted as I was, I informed him with gusto and such a vengeance running through my veins, "no that was all me thank you for not trusting me and my ability to write a paper."

You Journey Begins!

So, the wedding is over and now two souls that have become one are now beginning to settle down into their new digs. As they continue to open the bountiful of wedding gifts, she the new bride also takes notes on who gave what and the allotment of money as well.

Every married couple wants to spend that "quality time" together getting to know each other more. Many have said and shared, "the first year of marriage is always the test. It is a test to see if you two can even live together let alone, be married to each other." you both spend that time hoping to evolve into one. Some marriages last and well, some just don't make it. For those that do make it, time passes and before you know it, your wanting to extend your lives and bring a baby into this world. You plan, set up your saving accounts, work your butt's off, and you plan and plan.

Before you know it, your pregnant and as like other couples, you share in the religious joys of bringing a baby into the world. Yet, what about the parents who never dreamed their world would be rocked by the baby they bring into this world. This baby who will change history as we know it.

These are the people who carried their babies to full term, they had their baby shower, they built that crib, hung up the baby clothes, and decorated the room filled with toys and goodies for their little bundle of joy. And, as the time draws near and you know within days you will deliver a baby that once it is placed into your arms, your heart over flows with joy and happiness, a tear forms from your eye and as it begins to descend down your face with your husband steadfast by your side, this is the baby that will forever change history.

There will be movies about this child, authors will take great painstaking hours collecting information some will receive Pulitzer Prize Awards, viewers will gasp at the thought of such a person.

John Stanly & Marion Elaine Robinson - two couples who loved each other completely. Two people who married and wanted more than to bring a child into this world, to show off their heir produced a little boy named John Wayne Gacy (1941) one of the most notorious serial killers who killed and murdered dozes of girls leaving them for dead.

Joyce and Lionel Dahmer, two very misunderstood people who suffered the rockiest marriage ever produced a child with an IQ of 165 during the early 60's and when Jeffrey went to school he was mocked for his shyness, he was teased due to his wisdom far beyond even his educators. Teachers never knew how to educate such an intelligent individual. Their own education as a teachers only went so far and they like many others never knew just how to teach someone smarter then themselves.

Jeffrey Dahmer who as a child was never challenged, he was never educated in the style he needed to be. He was bullied, tortured, and often beat up as a young boy. His father who drank each and every night molested his own son, his mother fearful of her own husband fled for her life leaving Jeffrey behind. Once Jeffrey was caught, he was sentenced to death and while in prison, he hung himself leaving the guards find him hanging in his cell from the sheet of his prison bed.

A second trial took place which involved releasing his brain to science so to be examined for what draws the mind to being a serial killer. His father Lionel, wanted the brain cremated, his mother Joyce, fought the courts and won, letting his brain be entered into the labs of many scientist to explore the reasoning of what take a small boy playing with his toy trains to bouncing a ball in the backyard to then wanting to kill, maim, and eat his victims.

Does it run in the family?

Frances Scidino & Nicholas Bianchi produced Kenneth Bianchi which is more commonly known as the "Hillside Strangler" did in fact not work alone. His cousin, Angelo Bianchi also participated in the killing of women with Kenneth upon hillsides raping and then cutting his victims into small pieces burying them all along the hillsides of various towns within California.

So what is the point to all this?

All these babies brought into this world were born to very loving couples and yet, once those babies were placed into the arms of their beloved mothers, little did those mothers know, they have now produced a child that will go down on history each of them as some of the most worst cases of murder, rape, and the slaughtering of innocent victims.

So does this mean all babies born to loving couples will end up as serial killers? Of course not. We could have a child that could end up as one of the biggest movie stars that goes down in history from doing extraordinary movies or taking a stand in regards to politics or possibly becoming the President of the United States!

Friday, September 22, 2017

Children + Electronic Devices = DISASTER!

Once upon a time, parents used to tell their kids, "if your bored, I have chores for you to do, I am sure I can find something for you to do" OR, they used to tell their kids, "just go play outside, go do something"

Remember way back then we had to invent our own fun, we played outside until the street lights came on, we made forts, tents, girls had their own little clubs and boys did the same. The boys would build tree houses and the girls held tea parties.

Baseball and football was one of the biggest things that kids did when they were instructed to go play outside. Parents got things done and they knew that their kids were outside doing something constructive.

Fast forward 40 years, while I am at work and parents are dragging their little babies in tow, their babies tend to get anxious, bored, and yes, even temperamental. Mothers and fathers alike will dig into their purses or back pockets and give their kids their phone with games on them, they will hand them their tablets with movies on them. GOD FORBID the parents discipline their kids in order to get them to behave.

Why would they when it is much easier to hand them an electronic devise that will and has been known to shut up their kids. Kids will push every single button within their parents and they know just how to get that electronic device and how to drive their parents from an even temperament of a 1 to a full 10 within a matter of a Nano second!

Once that child has that electronic device in their dirty grubby hands they then become calm, cool, and collective and then the parents get to finally continue with their shopping. The world has gone from parents ordering their child to go play outside to now sitting in front of the television to watch movies or play video games, or watching and playing games on their phones.

And we wonder why the kids in today's world are over weight, demanding, withdrawn from society, the kids in today's world don't know how to complete a sentence without an electronic device in their hands. Many of the kids in today's world don't even know how to have a simple conversation because their heads are buried within any electronic device given to them by their own parents.

Parents have thrown any type of home life, dinner conversations, family time, to the wayside and would rather not face any confrontation with their kids and why? Because its so much easier to shut them up than try to actually be a family.

I for one am one of those mom's who takes my daughters electronic devices away when homework is to be done. The only electronic device she has is a calculator for her math. Once dinner is served she still has no electronic device in her hands and the rule is we must share four things that either makes us happy or angry with the goal of finding resolution or share the joy of the happiness of her life.

I have sold all electronic game such as Play Stations and their games and replaced it with physical games for us to do together.

It is our duty as parents to co-interact with our children, it is our duty as a parent to teach our children that electronic devices is not a babysitting tool, it is our responsibility to show our children that we do care about how they think, feel, or how they behave once they pitch a fit. I have seen parents turn a blind eyes to their child now having a complete melt down allowing them to scream, yell and yes, even become physically confrontational by either spitting, slapping, or punching the parents still do nothing about it. I have seen mothers and fathers dig into their purses or back pockets and yell at their kids, "here take it just shut up my God."

Our Legal System

So many may think, "what does the world of electronic devices have to do with the legal justice system and kids? A TON!

Back in the early 2000 I had just graduated law school with honors. I landed my first job as a legal assistant at one of the most prestigious law firms that handled family law. As I was given the tour of the office one of the other legal assistants was bogged down with MANY court cases on her desk which if I were to count, she probably had over 40 cases she was working on at on time.

Those cases were dealt with child abuse and their parents. I learned rather quickly how the court system gave children the control of their parents and protecting the children more than the parents. Some parents were trying to get back their children yet due to "spanking" their child that child was removed from the home due to abuse.

Our laws today will protect a child more than the parents and often leaving the parents dumbfounded on just how to discipline their child. I even had one case where a boy at the age of 8 pitched such a fit because his parents would not give him back his iPad that he threatened them with abuse then he would call the police and turn them in. The parents never gave in and he ran to a friends house, called the police and told the police how they are abusing him.

Not only was the child removed, the parents have now become part of "Child Protective Services" and many will remain within the "system" until that child is 18. CPS will continue to tell that child or any child within the system how protected they are, what is deemed abuse to a child and how they are there to protect that child.

Now if I were a child and rightfully knowing how much power I had over my parents, don't you think I would abuse that power just to get what I wanted if it didn't go my way?

The police believed the child, removed the child, and the parents were prosecuted for abuse upon their own child over a stupid iPad. Well, I got pretty good at my job and started to call bullshit on these kids who learned rather quickly the law was on their side 100% and against their parents 100% the parents were at the mercy of their own kids who were now running their parents lives and what happens at home, school, and within the public.

A teen girl who had her phone taken away due to violating her curfew had a complete melt down walked into the wall without thinking and bruised her arm. Because her parents stood their ground and refused to give into her, she then called the police and showed the police the bruise her mother so called "inflicted" upon her, was removed and the parents arrested. When I went to meet with the girl now in foster care I sat down with her and began talking to her. She was trying to intimidate me and once she found out that she couldn't, I got her to break and learned that she actually walked into the wall by accident and because her parents disciplined her, she was going to inflict pain on her family.

I remember vividly telling her, "well, your plan backfired. Here you are in foster care, no phone, no parents, and your miserable. Great plan huh? You really thought long and hard about this one didn't you?"

Our justice system has taken the power of parenting away and turned that taken power and given it to the children of our world. Once in court there were two parents desperately trying to get their child back from who now was living in the foster care system. It was a complete misunderstanding and because the judge believed the parents caused the abuse he was going to make them pay for their mistake. I confronted the judge;

"So let me ask you something judge. When you were a little boy did your father ever spank you, did your father ever have control over you and directed you to a better life? Did your father ever tell you to go pick that limb off of the cherry tree so he can spank you with it?"

He asked where I was leading with this and I better make my point..."well my point is this, because you were disciplined, because you had the guidance of a family that loved you, you are now sitting up in a chair wearing a black robe that tells the world your family must have done something right." 

And NO our world isn't messed up with our children taking control us and we have no control over them right?

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Mother & Father III

We all know the story, boy meets girl, both fall in love, and marry with the anticipation of living their lives out together for the rest of their lives.

The now husband and wife who stood before family and friends her, in an amazing wedding gown that made all gasp as she entered the room, and he, who stood in front of what seemed like the whole world shared vows promising to be there for each other through "sickness and health"

They promised each other a life together and when the person who performed their ceremony blesses their marriage both the bride and groom kiss then turn to face their loved ones, friends of a life time, guest, it is then announced, "I would like to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs." (fill in the blank)

As they descend down the isle both beaming of joy, laughter, two individual souls have now become one soul, one heart, one life. They both clasp their hands and together they prepare to face the world that can and is cruel, cold, and what always seems heartless and painful. You dance, eat, meet and greet your guest, share laughs and tears of joy.

As the night wears down and the guest begin to leave, that is when your lives actually begin. The only support you have now is each other and that delicate bond must always remain strong. I have always been the one to say, "relationships are similar to bridges."

So what do bridges have to do with relationships...EVERYTHING! Imagine two people standing hundreds of feet apart, she on her own mountain and he the same. Below is well, what can destroy the trust you have built, the love you have, the commitment that must remain solid.

The task...both the new bride and groom must find whatever they can to build a bridge so they can meet in the middle. They must carefully plan their steps creating great support of what they are now building. They must work together as a team, trust what each other is saying and doing. As they both create this bridge they are creating strength and love. They are working as a team, they are trusting each other and once that bridge is created they know no matter what comes down the pike, their marriage will survive....Yet, will it? 

As the marriage grows that bridge that you both created once on separate mountains can and will be tested. Oh yes, those test that come down the pike can be ruthless, they can be brutal, there will be obstacles and challenges that will and can ultimately put each of you through twist and turns that can create distance and some even fall out of love.

Growing Yet Again! 

So, you want to have a baby, the husband of course wants a boy to carry on the family name the wife wants a baby girl that she can dress up and love and create a bond so tight it can often seem stronger than ones marriage. So you plan, you both get great jobs, save you money, start a savings account and you both work and work and work.

What constitutes the "perfect time" to start a family? Does anyone really know? Not really. Two couples can plan and plan and save and save and then struggle to become pregnant and in today's world that is of course more often than one taking a pregnancy test and seeing two lines. It can and will take a toll on the marriage if both do not become pregnant. Then there are couples that "accidently" become pregnant when they are not ready.

I was at work last night and I learned that my boss and his wife suffered a miscarriage when she was 16 weeks pregnant and that explains so much of his behavior and why he was missing from work for almost three weeks. It explains the anger in his tone, the sharpness of his tongue, the loss of his witty charm.

But, when I met his wife and his other two boys one that is almost three and the other almost six, I saw a marriage that would endure the pain, that would endure the loss of a loved one who did not make it into the world. I saw a couple that had built a bridge so strong no matter what storm comes their way, or the high whipping winds that challenged the bridge, their marriage was forever.

Yes it is a loss!

Any couple that losses a loved on before it comes into the world is very similar to one losing a loved one in this world. There is love for that unborn baby, the tossing of names around, getting the baby room ready, the joy and excitement of bringing yet another child into their brood so their family can grow and become one yet again.

There is grieving the loss of a loved one even if it has not reached the full 40 weeks of pregnancy. My heart went out to him and we shared tears, we shared stories, we bonded in a way that no store director and simple employee would. As he wrapped his arms around me when I went to hug him expressing my grief for him I felt the grip of pain in his arms, I could feel his chest against mine and the quivering of his body riddled in pain only he knows and yet what one could imagine.

The crackling of his voice as he talked more about the loss of his son. The piercing blue eyes staring directly at me now flooding with tears and as one dropped then two dropped then floods of more I grabbed him and held him holding his deeply and tightly in my arms not letting go.

I can only imagine what his wife is going through and I will never say, "I know what your wife is going through" because actually I don't. Everyone suffers loss in a different way and it is no different when someone suffers the loss of their baby in this world.

Remember, if it has a heart beat and it is moving around, it is in fact a baby! We must give love and support when one suffers the loss of their baby. We must step out of our shoes and step into their guiding and loving them and their is no time length of healing.

We must be gentle and kind, we must stand strong for them because they are and will be weak. I have seen my boss back at work laughing and sharing his wisdom and now I know it is all just a persona of his pain that he is burying down while still trying to run an entire store and not think about what happened. He is a strong man, he is a kind man, he is a man who does not deserve to have this happen but no one deserves to have this happen.

Do I believe their is a reason, oh yeah, do I believe that something else will come down the pike that is better for him and his wife, you bet!

In Loving Memory of Taylor!

Monday, September 18, 2017

Every Mother & Father II

There is human growth when one allows vulnerability into their lives of strangers. Blogging is not just sharing your thoughts and wisdom, it allows others to read, share, and understand that pain is just not a one person event.

Adrian stood there shocked and dumbfounded stumbling for words when I shared I met his wife at the grocery store. Right after I said those words, words that were tearing my gut apart, words that made my heart race, those four words that could ultimately change not only myself, but my relationship with a man I feared every losing. My mind twisted and turned similar to a tornado taking out an entire town leaving behind destruction and despair. If one was to measure my level of fear it would not only break a rector scale, it would shatter it into tiny pieces.

I tried to not look at him, I tried to look out at the deep green sea ahead of me desperately focusing on the variety of boats and other sea loving individuals. I no longer heard the waves lapping up on the sands below, I no longer heard the children playing within feet of me or the cars passing by on Ocean Blvd. I could feel Adrian's burning eyes upon me and still I never once looked at him.

I could feel my heart pounding within my chest feeling as if it was about to explode. My palms sweaty, my legs quivering, yet I remember him just turning away and continuing to play soccer and I just sat down and allowed this new life of mine to conform to his needs. After the soccer game it was never mentioned about who I met, he never brought it up and I never did as well. Right then and there I was even more desperate to become pregnant to not lose this man and I did all I could to invite sex into our world. My thinking was, if I got pregnant and had a baby, I would be the winner, I would have this man for the rest of my life something I craved, needed, and demanded within my heart.

Well, as the months and seasons turned from winter to spring I continued to allow this married man into our home, into our bed and I openly took this man into my arms allowing him to touch me, love me, make love to me, and the more I did that, the more he seemed to disappear each night. I would lay in the bed taking my hand then sweeping his space only to feel something cold and uninviting. Multiple tears would fall out of desperation to know where he was and why he was not home with me. I knew where he was and yet if I said it out loud it would be a way of admitting most of all how stupid I was and how horrible my life had become but it was more than that. It would mean I allowed this to happen and I was far from admitting that. With each sound of a car or keys jingling outside the bedroom window I jumped to gaze out into the dark night hoping and praying it was him coming home to me. Yet it was always never him.

And then there was one!

I went to our bank to make a deposit one afternoon and in front of me was the teller named Suzi. She was pleasant and cheerful and once we began to talk I learned that she was actually my new neighbor who moved into the apartments next door to me. She shared her husband was in the Navy and out to sea for six months pf deployment. Suzi said she would love to get together with me. We set up a time to meet over the coming weekend and it was something I was actually looking forward to I was looking forward to actually being with someone other than myself living in fear and rejection.

Well, a friendship grew pretty quickly and the trust factor was growing over time between us both. I of course was relentless on sharing my life about being involved with a married man. Suzi was under the assumption that I had this amazing boyfriend named Adrian yet I felt she would look at me in a different light and no longer want to be friends with me of she knew the real truth about my life. Suzi and Steve had one of those marriages that was blessed for a life together forever. I envied her and Steve with a passion, I had actually come to love being with a man and the possibilities of marriage. I learned to be a doting girlfriend, cooking, cleaning, and sharing what time I had with Adrian.

It had been almost a year since I was off the pill and still no pregnancy. Each month came and went which was this heart digging painful reminder I was not pregnant. I even began to think maybe it was me, maybe I was the reason I could not get pregnant. Secretly I took each test first thing in the morning and as it read negative I cried and cried. Once the tears ended and I dried up I carefully wrapped it up in a paper towel then dumping it into the neighbors outside trash always fearing if Adrian saw it in our trash, well, he would leave me.

Suzi was into entertaining all the time. Her house was constantly filled with Navy men from Steve's naval ship along with other non Navy men and women. And yes, each time there was a party at their house Suzi invited myself and Adrian and each time I had to make one excuse after the other for not having Adrian to attend.

Finally months later, Suzi approached me and asked why Adrian never came with me. She cornered me into a place that no matter how I tried to fight my way out, it just wasn't going to happen this one time. I remember her piercing eyes digging into my soul. Her voice tense and her need to know was very apparent that she was not about to back down this time. Finally, I could no longer hold it in any longer. I broke and once I began to share my life with Adrian the tears flooded down.

For some reason it felt liberating to finally get the truth out. Suzi of course had a different plan of action. We always talked about my self-esteem and what I was tolerating. She actually got me to see what I was doing and how I was allowing this man to take away my self-worth, how he didn't care about me, how I was his "piece" when his wife didn't want to put out. I believe she put it in a more direct way..

"Wow, this man has the best of both worlds. When his wife isn't giving him what he wants, he comes crawling to you and you allow this to happen. You openly take him and gives him what he wants. And, when you don't give him what he wants, he just goes home and gets it from his wife. Wow, I guess it is true, a man can have his cake and eat it too."

I was slowly building up my self-esteem yet I was struggling with my need to be pregnant was somewhat beginning to diminish and as each month came and went I was relived to actually not be pregnant. I was growing not only on the inside but outside as well. My self-esteem and dignity was stronger than I felt before. I was seeing my self-wroth, I was seeing how I was actually valued, I could feel my sense of growth inside of me. Hell, even Adrian could tell I was changing and he didn't like it. He was actually spending more time with me at home and doing things together.

Then one day, I told him to pack his crap and move on! I told him that I needed to find a man who was NOT married and who saw me as a valued female that has so much to offer. I told him I deserve better and I wanted to be treated like the Queen I knew I wanted to be. It was liberating, joyful, I felt like a whole new woman. I was proud of myself and also very thankful for Suzi and opening my eyes to how I was actually living.

Adrian on the other hand had come to hate her, he was opposed to me being friends with her, demanded I stop and when I didn't back down, he became enraged and demanded even more and the more he demanded the more I fought back.

One night when he went to work, I packed his things and took them to the bar he worked at. I walked in with my head held high, I was turning heads of everyone possibly because I was carrying luggage into a meat market bar. I found him pretty quickly because every girl as always was flaunting and begging for him to talk to her.

I put the luggage down and told him and to never come home again, I told him it was over and I was DONE WITH HIM! Once I was gone I went and bought a new set of locks and changed the locks on the front door of the apartment. We had a joint checking account that had over $5,000 dollars in it and I went to the bank and cleaned out the account!

Never did I ever look back and crave this man again!

Friday, September 15, 2017

Every Mother & Father 1

Yesterday I posted "Every Mother & Father" and this is a continuation.....

Being able to open your life to absolute true strangers who will read about your failures, admittedly open up about your failures, barely any successes, is not only freeing, it is eye opening to hopefully others in the world that can see, "things can happen to anyone and everyone." 

Prior to having a child that you bring into this world there is of course the dating world. Women go and paint their faces and men slather themselves in cologne and both dress to impress. I know that dating for myself, if there was a line-up of eight men and 7 of them were perfect gentlemen, they worked, they were self supportive, had great careers, and this incredible love to give to any women, well and then there was "ONE" we all know that ONE, that one man who was well known in the police department, had multiple arrest, treated women like crap, tatted up over 90% of his entire body, sold and used drugs, I would pick him!

I have the worst luck when it comes to finding love ask anyone that knows me and the men that I have picked. I am that "double sided coin person" I was the true hopeless romantic. I believed in romance, I believed in finding love, I believed in having a man as perfect as my dad was with my mom, the lifestyle he gave her, the dedication to his family, the love for his family, the hard working man, I compared every single man to my father.

Then on the other side of that coin, I was the woman that fell for just about any guy that paid any attention to me. I never wanted to get married, but I wanted to date. I never wanted to talk about the future with any man and if it came down to having that conversation, well, I fled for the hills and never looked back! I had men chasing me all the time and the more they chased, the more I ran away. Because that would mean I had to grow up, that meant I had to do something with my life, that meant I had to share my space and time with someone else and that was just voodoo to me.

Then I met Adrian, he was a bartender at a popular hang out during the early 80's it was a place everyone went to. I called it the meat market, others called it a bar with dancing. Women flaunted themselves all over the men and if women and men came in alone, trust me, they never went home alone!

Adrian was this wild sexy Hispanic that had a smile which melted every single women in the bar similar to butter in a fire roaring skillet. I would sit at the bar and just watch the action on the dance floor while also watching women throwing money at him to make their drinks. He always gathered multiple phone numbers from women begging for him to call them. His suave sexy dark eyes, his bubbly personality, his voice it was intoxicating and breath taking voice, that raspy sexy voice it drew women to him and it was like watching a bear attacking the honey dripping from the tree.

We struck up a conversation and well, one thing led to another and before you knew it, he was leaving with me. I waited for the bar to close down while sitting in the parking lot at three in the morning shivering from the cold air. Once he arrived I was feeling something that was so unfamiliar to me, I was excited to see him, I wanted to be with him, and well, that is what happened. We went to an all night restaurant and just talked. The conversation flowed so magically. We had much in common and we both were surprised at how we even like each other.

I never expected anything to happen except we hug our good-byes and both leave in their own car and in separate directions. Nope, didn't happen. He actually came home with me and well, he was good in bed! That was the night I fell in love and I fell HARD and FAST! I became the person I never wanted to be, I had to be with him day and night, I became insecure, I became needy, I became desperate to be with him and trust me I made it easy for him to be with me.

Within two months of dating my self-esteem was in the gutter, I let him move in, never told my parents so they never knew because for one thing my dad HATED Hispanics, he couldn't stand them, he thought they were all users, abusers, and drug addicts. I went from this strong independent woman who knew what she wanted to no longer knowing who this person was staring back at her in the reflection of the mirror in the bathroom.

To many times when she stared back at me while in the bathroom I struggled to look at her, I did everything to avoid her and that even meant never looking in the mirror because that would have meant I was a failure, I became someone I hated. If Adrian was late coming home I would sit on the couch and cry in fear of him being with someone else, my gut kept telling me, "he is with another woman, you know he is, you know your not this person, who are you and why are you behaving this way?" 

I became this paralyzed person who didn't care about my appearance, who didn't cared about anything but being with Adrian. I became this panic stricken victim to this man and he knew it and he played the game. He knew no matter what day he came home or what time he came home I was there to fall into his arms and take this man back. My dignity was gone and not only that person in the reflection of the mirror knew it, anyone that knew me began telling sharing, "what happened to you, its as if you lost your way, you lost your edge, you never talk to us anymore, hang out with his anymore, where is Dee, the girl that is strong and self-sufficient, the girl that doesn't take crap from anyone?"  

It didn't matter to me about anything but being with this man and when things got hard I did the unthinkable. I began thinking a baby would hold us together and I went off my birth control never mentioning anything to Adrian. I thought if I got pregnant it would force him to come home every night, it would force him to be with me and me only, and if that shocks you, this will shock you even more!

I was in the grocery store getting groceries for the weekend. Adrian was going to play soccer at the local park and he wanted me to make salsa while bringing other delicious treats to munch on. As I was rummaging through the produce isle this short Hispanic woman approached me. She had a baby in tow and she just stood there staring at me, loathing me, it was as if she wanted to attack me. Her eyes were swollen from crying, this little boy adorable and so cute, and I could tell if she could she would of reached out and punched me right in the face. I stood back due to her being so close and up in my space. She never said a word she only stared at me and then finally once I did back up she came forward staying deliberately within my space.

I feared her, I really was scared of her. The little boy began to cry out, "Poppy, poppy" and then this woman who was growing even more angry by staring at me finally spoke in horrible broken English.

With her teeth clenched and her fist growing tighter, I began to wonder if she was going to attack me. Her breath quick and unsteady, her body shaking violently and then a tear falling down her face.

"Do you want to know who his Poppy is, do you want to know, let me tell you, its MY HUSBAND, yep that's right my husband YOUR boyfriend is MY HUSBAND and this is HIS SON!" 

And all I could think of that very moment was not how I was hurting this women or how I was now known as the "other woman" no, all I could think of was the adorable child we could have. This woman stayed in her space and her tears began to fall more quickly, for some reason  I never could see the pain in her face any longer, this foreign matter falling from her eyes, her pain stricken face her aching body her broken heart nope, all I could think of was getting back to Adrian and making this salsa for him.

Even walking away it never once ever dawned on me what just happened. It didn't really dawn on me what occurred until I got home to our new apartment that we moved into. It was this adorable quaint apartment behind a house. Adrian worked while I forged ahead making our house a home, a place we could be together, a place that we could all deeper in love.

I remember entering our home and seeing a note from him, "Went to the park, don't forget to make the salsa and see you there love you tons Adrian." Love you tons, love you tons, that was when my spine just snapped, that was when I could suddenly visualize this woman's painful face her tears falling while holding a child the man that I loved created with another woman.

I was flooded with confusion, was I more jealous of her having a child with the man I loved or was I torn up about him not telling me he was married? Yet, I made the salsa and never once gave it a second thought until I went to the park.

I parked my car got out and unloaded all the goodies I had made. Homemade tacos, salsa, chips, drinks, yep I had it all and it was all for him and his buddies. I was the doting girlfriend I was the girl his male counterparts were jealous of.

I was the doting girlfriend who stayed by his side even through his carousing around town, not coming home, his lies, his betrayal, I was trying to hold on to the same ideas of my parents marriage for some reason. Loyalty even through the hardest of times.

I set everything up on the blanket I bought and as always I cheered him on calling out his name chanting my love to him. Then it happened....the unspoken truth happened....

"Sorry I'm late, I ran into someone at the grocery store." Adrian looked at me confused, "oh, who did you run into?" 

I remember standing up and hoisting my hands to my hips, and then turning my head to the side just staring at this man. I was contemplating telling him but I feared for some reason what I was about to lose, HIM! It was as if I had diarrhea of the mouth...

"Oh no one special, just your wife."