Sunday, August 20, 2017


Lately I have given much thought to the word "Companionship" and just what it really means not to just me, but to the countless others in the world seeking such a strong word.

Companionship can come in many forms and ideas. When two people get married typically a man and woman, do they do it to procreate the world as the bible tells us to do or, do they do it fill the void that they are searching for while seeking companionship?

Seeking out such a term and definition is not a beneficial behavior, it is actually part of our DNA and what we always seek out to find. Why is it, when we struggle with finding what should be a natural part of our what our minds tells us we need, we struggle to find such compatible match to our needs?

Elephants, one of the smartest mammals filled with a memory I only wish I had during my real estate exams, have a more defined and well rounded understanding of what companionship means. They are loyal to each other and their calves, they remain a close nit family filled with love for each other a bond so tight nothing will ever come in between them. Do elephants have a true understanding of the term companionship, do they understand the definition and meaning behind it? If humans could be similar to elephants would that solve our mystery of why we need such a thing in our lives?

As for the people that have followed my blog and left their thoughts, love, and understandings to my many post, almost all of you know that I have a daughter that suffers from panic attacks so severe that it is almost crippling for her. It suffocates her to the point of depending on me for security, truth, and leadership in her everyday life. She fears the outside world, she fears striking up a simple conversation with mere strangers, she fears having to face another human being engaging in a simple everyday task.

A great example is when we were at the gas station I asked her to do a simple task, go inside and tell the man behind the counter, "twenty dollars on four please" a statement so simple and yet it clinches her throat as if strangulation take place clasping her throat disallowing her to even breath.

We have been instructed by her therapist to seek out a service dog, or better known as a "companion" for her. I of course thought that only avails the need for something that I am desperately trying to have her overcome and learn to conquer and destroy her fears. Finally, after thoughts and deep thinking, I finally allowed this to happen.

We have searched high and low for a dog, we have ravished the humane societies, Craigslist, adoption clinics, I have posted stories on Facebook, I have begged pleaded, and still to no avail, no dog has entered our hearts.

Sure, we have seen dogs at the humane society and yet there is no direct link of both my daughter and the dog. I was becoming so unfamiliar to the companionship that she is needing. The dogs within the humane society pay no attention to her they do not seek her out they do not come near her, they just run and jump from feeling the moments of freedom.

A true companion dog comes with a hefty price and as a single mother who struggles each and every day in this world, well I do not have the liberty to reach into my pocketbook and pull out $500 - $1,000 dollars for the help my daughter so desperately needs. Her state health care could careless about the doctors request and I have even written to the state desperate for help in some form of payment but, when you have a "state health care system" we are just as vulnerable as the wounded vets or elderly vets seeking out health care yet the government shows no signs of helping or caring.

About nine months ago we came across a loving caring woman who breeds and raises German Shepard's a dog my daughter only dreams of owning.  She informed us that she personally knows a woman in Idaho that breeds and sells Golden Retriever's dogs that will sell without a thought to someone that wishes to purchase one of her pups, $4,000 - $7,000 dollars. This woman heard my daughter's story and wished to donate one of her pups to her. We were elated, we were feeling blessed, we couldn't wait for the one of many mamas she had to birth her pups. We were told that we would get one of the recent litters that would be coming within weeks actually within 3 weeks.

We purchased books about Golden Retrievers' Sela read that book from front to back. She informed me of their needs, their personality, their devotion to their owner, how they crave companionship, and how smart they are. Weeks into awaiting for the pups to be born, this generous woman sends my daughter Sela a text message of one of her mama's with her recent new pups.

Sela came bounding downstairs with a smile on her face something I have not seen in many months. She was out of breath with excitement sharing the pictures of the 13 pups born. They were beautiful and adorable. We quickly responded on which pup will be ours and then the bridge came tumbling down.

"Oh none of these are your pups, these are already spoken for. I have decided to wait another year before donating one of my pups. My waiting list is just to long right now."

Sela caved in like Jenga the game. With each word this woman sent my daughter on her phone it was as if she began pulling out the square blocks without a care to my daughter's heart and as she read this horrible text message, tears began to fall, the pain filled her heart and she began to shake violently all over from the uncaring words which struck her like an 18 wheeler hitting her head on.

Then we found a puppy, a puppy from Craigslist a puppy that is supposed to be German Shepard, a woman who is a perfect stranger who is flipping dogs on Craigslist to provide money for her drug habit. Once we got the puppy home, Sela went into full panic attack mode, she was unsure what to do with a puppy, the attention, the hyper active puppy, the pooping, the peeing all over the house, our cats freaking out, she just crumbled like the delicious treat of blue cheese used in our salads!

Finally out of desperation I found a page on Facebook, "NW Animal Adoption Clinic" I once again posted my story of my daughter why she suffers from panic attacks, her fears, her pain and low and behold there was 59 comments. Out of all the pictures of the animals there up for adoption from agencies, families, singles, there was one dog, "Scout" a German Shepard dog. I felt it was a perfect fit, the dog was young enough to be trained and I felt it was perfect for Sela.

I sent in my story of my daughter and waited for five days and no response. Then finally on the six day that morning I heard it, that "DING" from a message on my phone. It was Tina Hays, a woman from Yakima Washington an almost 4 hour distance from me. We talked on messenger for almost two hours. Then she finally told me, "I believe Scout would be a perfect fit." she even had her son come over to see my house, inspect it and I was more then willing to let this happen, I was desperately trying to find a dog for my daughter, a promise I made to her and I was going to follow through.

The one of many questions I asked during our conversation is:

  • How old is Scout
  • Is she full breed GSD
  • Does she have any aggression issues
  • How is she when eating, will she growl when being fed
  • How is she playing with toys
  • Is she trainable
  • How is she around cats
  • Does she attack
  • Does she play well with other dogs

And Tina's response to my questions....

  • Scout is 6 months old
  • Yes she is full bred GSD 
  • She has ZERO AGRESSION ISSUES she is in fact very loving and playful
  • She has ZERO AGRESSION when feeding you can even reach down and take her bowl while eating
  • She loves her toys she loves playing with her toys 
  • Yes she is very trainable and would make a WONDERFUL COMPANION DOG  for your daughter
  • She does NOT ATTACK she is gentle and loving 
  • She loves playing with other dogs, she craves the dog parks
I thought of course this is the perfect dog for us, this is the most amazing dog because finding a grown dog to fit into our house with cats, well, that has been our BIGGEST ISSUE! So, we took Scout. Tina's mother was coming down to Vancouver to visit her family and so they brought Scout.

When they arrived, Scout was in the back of the truck in a kennel, we greeted her and she wagged her tail, Sela lite up like the Macy's Day Christmas Parade, the smile was real the love was instant. When Scout was removed from her traveling kennel she instantly growled a growl that would make anyone fear her. Her hair went up, and she began to bark and bark. She smelled the other dogs in the neighborhood and it was a fighting bark.

The elderly lady quickly told us, "Well she will make a great guard dog" this is what I feared the most, a German Shepard that would become a guard dog instead of a companion dog for my daughter. Scout continued to growl, bark, and her hair on ends. She circled over and over wanting to get lose, she wanted to run, she wanted to ATTACK the smells from the other dogs.

We brought her into the house and once in the house she did the same thing, she growled and barked and circled from the sell of our beloved cats and Sela desperately tried to take control of the dog. She was trying to be calming and soothing to Scout yet Scout would not hear of it. We had her on her leash thank God because when she say my cat, she lunged and attacked. So much for the GUARANTEE SHE WILL NOT ATTACK MY CATS!

I looked at the older lady standing there without a care in the world how she was behaving, she wanted to drop of Scout and hit the road. Yet, I stopped her and demanded to take this dog out of my house, I demanded she never come back. I grabbed my phone and demanded for Tina to call me yet my phone never rang. She just continued to talk to me on my phone through messenger.

"You LIED Tina, she attacked my cats and what does she say then..."Well she has never been around cats before." When she came out of the kennel Tina she growled a growl that would make anyone fear her, she is aggressive, she is horrible, she is mean. Once I demanded for this dog to be removed, Sela was crushed, she crumbled once again, she fell to the floor and shook violently, she trembled then screamed out in pain.

I grabbed her and she pushed me away yelling for me to stop and leave her alone. My heart broke to see my daughter in such pain. My first reaction was to go outside and kick this ladies ass in but it wasn't her fault, she was just delivering Scout. No, it was Tina I was after. I still continued in my conversation about how she killed any hope for my daughter, the lied, the betrayal, the need to get rid of this dog, and then I blocked her from any form of communication.

Now, we sit and suffer in silence as I watch my daughter tell me, "I'm fine, I'm okay" when I know she is not. She is suffering once again and having more setbacks and fears even more.

Oh how I wish someone would give me a Golden Retriever to help my daughter and not request money this is such a desperate need for my daughter, a desperate mother just trying to help a sick daughter.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

It's Your Freedom

First and foremost I will make anything and everything my business when I feel someone or something is happening that should not happen.

If I see a man being forceful with a woman, I will not be the one who says, "it's none of our business, just keep walking" or I love the one that says, "stop staring it's rude" I will tell ya this though, if you as a woman is with your husband or your boyfriend and he starts being abusive, your going to want someone to jump in and help you. And if you don't, well then you must feel like you deserve it and no one deserves to be treated like CRAP!

I cannot stand people that stand back and stare or watch with such intent, it is as if they are at a movie tossing popcorn back and a filled drink wondering just what is going to happen next. It is our duty to help others, it is our duty to lend a hand, it is our duty to protect. This is not a hindrance, it is nothing something you contemplate, it is YOUR DUTY to stand up for anyone and everything that you have a strong belief in!

Yesterday, I had to run a fast errand. As I walked into the building there behind a extremely heavily plated Plexiglas window not even the best bullet could get through there was this plump oversized woman who appeared to have a nice friendly helpful voice. I grabbed the necessary paperwork and began filling it out when I heard bells ringing which obviously notifies the women behind the window a customer has entered the building and of course I looked up.

A small elderly man who is African American, thin in size and not extremely tall, walked in. He was wearing black framed glasses a light blue button down shirt and black shorts. His hair is thinning as any other elderly man will do. He seems confused and disheveled unsure of what he should be doing.

What stood out about this man was he was wearing a baseball cap that read, "VIETNAM VETERAN" instantly my heart went out to him. He continued looking around trying to make some sense of what he was doing and I who was now done filling out my paperwork, continued to watch this man to see if he needed any help.

As I stood behind him I could see the aging wrinkles, I can see the black moles forming on the back of his neck and the sides as well. He is aging and yet for each year that passes, I would imagine he has yet another story to share about his life. I stayed quiet to get a sense of what he was there for and when he finally approached the window of the woman I saw, the woman with the friendly voice motioned for this man to come to her window.

I was then called to the next window. I approached the lady willing to help me and she did my paperwork, I could hear this Veteran trying to explain what and why he was there. The lady behind the bullet proof window was growing agitated. I could sense in her voice that she was having a hard time understanding this man. He began stammering and his voice of course was soft and mellow something I am sure the military taught him, "carry a big stick yet speak slow and softly." 

The oversized lady behind the window was beginning to raise her voice, she kept repeatedly telling him over and over, "I can't hear you, speak up, what is it you want, I don't understand what your saying, I think you don't know what your talking about, I have never heard of that, are you sure you have the right place?"

The feeble old man was growing anxious, he was stammering even more and I could tell he was growing nervous. I held up my hand at the lady helping me motioning for her "wait a minute please" when I walked over and put my arm around this feeble elderly man, he looked at me with such pain in his eyes. I could tell instantly that his eyes could share stories of his life, stories of pain, stories of sadness, stories of torture. He smiled a soft smile yet still seemingly off guard with my offering to help him. 

I gave this stranger a gentle hug asking immediately if he needed some assistance. He began telling me he was there to pay off his grandson's loan. These men who spent their lives defending OUR COUNTRY in one of the worst places ever in history, this is a man who didn't make large sums of money, this is a man who watched his partners in the military die right before him, this is a man who watched others get tortured by the enemy. This is a man who was able to walk out of Vietnam alive and "walking out" is the main word.

Thousands and thousands of men have lost their limbs, their arms, their lives, so we have the liberty and freedom to do what we take for granite each and every day! 

The lady behind the window told me I needed to step back, she actually didn't tell me she ORDERED for me to step back. I just ignored her, I continued to listen to his needs and all he wanted to do was pay off his grandson's loan. I looked at the oversized and obviously a woman who more than likely HATED HER LIFE, and once I cleared my throat I explained to her, "he wishes to pay off his grandson's loan."

Now as a mother the one that just PISSES ME OFF is when my teenage daughter rolls her eyes at me, that just sets the hair on the back of my neck straight up! Well, this obviously PLUS SIZE woman was becoming more and more agitated that I didn't listen to her in the first place, and yet, I didn't care. I stood my ground, I didn't move. When someone rolls their eyes at me, well GAME ON you will find out that I can be the biggest and meanest woman one has ever met. It is so disrespectful and so rude and right then and there I was determined to show this woman I can be the bigger and meaner woman than her.

She stopped dead in her tracks with the look I gave her, she stopped talking, she glared at me and I glared right back. My arm never left this strangers arms, I stayed right there! I told her to look up the name of the young grandson and when she did she told the elderly frail man, "he owes $550.00 which $110.00 is late fees and interest" 

The woman then looked at me and asked me to step aside yet still, I never moved. I asked the man if he wanted to pay this amount and told me he did. I asked him where his wallet was and he said his front right pocket. As he dug out his wallet and opened it handing his credit card to the woman behind the window I just continued to watch her while she continued to watch me. That was when I became the Cobra out of the basket.

"You know, this man, this elderly man is just one of the hundreds if not thousands of men who went to war in Vietnam, a place you will never forget if you ever go. This man watched his team members die before him, watched men tortured and killed, and for what, YOUR FREEDOM, this is the man who never slept, he was forced to kill, he was forced to survive, this is a man that can tell you stories and this is the man who gives you the RIGHT to get out of your bed, go to your job, drive your car, eat whatever foods you want and for what? So you can treat him like CRAP! Show this man respect, show this man some dignity some pride for what you can do each and every day."

I had the attention of everyone in that room something I was not planning on or something I was NOT trying to do. I was just defending what a mere stranger did for me, defend my country, defend the lives of ultimate strangers so they can live. The kind elderly man took back his credit card, shoved it into his wallet and then turned to me with tears in his eyes and grasped my hands then squeezing them.

"Thank you, no one ever stands up for me or speaks for me and I thank you for that. Thank you for your help because no one ever does help me, it's been months possibly years that someone ever said, "thank you for your service" and for that, I thank you."

I too squeezed his hands and walked to the front door opening it so he can leave and when he did, he tipped his hat to me and gave such a smile. When he left I saw the look of the woman behind the window that helped him and she just didn't care about this man or what he did, what he went through, the stories he could tell. She glared at me yet, I still stood my ground and glared right back!

When is the last time you thanked someone for their service to OUR COUNTRY young or old?

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

She Wakes Up

There is a pattern....and the pattern is we grow up as a child and think that every boy and girl has what we can relate to as COOTIES! Yet as we grow and learn what love is and we figure out what we want for ourselves suddenly that boy or girl with cooties seems cute.

You go out on a dates and more dates and more dates. Boy and girl end up planning their lives together. Before you know the parents are watching their baby get married. Tears are shed both of worry and joy and as a parent you watch your loved one grasp the hand of the one they just promised to live together in joy and hardship for the rest of their lives.

As they drive off with signs in the back dragging behind..."JUST MARRIED" as a parent, you hope and pray that they have a better life than you could ever imagine. Now the Mr. and Mrs. plan a family.

Well, that is how its supposed to be...

Never in my life did I ever anticipate a daughter that would take her life at 14 and then another daughter that has what many can also relate to as "PANIC ATTACKS" doctors cannot pin point why they began, how they began, but some have shared with me it can be related to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD)

As a parent you are supposed to want for your kids a better future than what you have or had. That is the ultimate goal isn't it? No matter if you as a person is showered with riches, have amazing cars parked in the garage, a fat bank account and a home that everyone envies when they step in. You as a parent, should want more for your kids than you ever had.

You want them to grow up strong in mind and like. You want them to grow up and show the world they have both inner beauty and outer beauty. You want them to grow up strong, independent, financially okay. You want them to go off to college to find themselves and become educated. Once educated, you pray once again they land their "dream job." 

She Wakes Up Each & Every Day

She wakes up each and every day wondering...

"Will this be the day I suffer from yet another panic attack?" 
"Will this be the day I feel my chest caving in" 
"Will this be the day I feel I can no longer go on?"

I can tell you, being a parent of a child that suffers from panic attacks is the most stressful time for a mother or a father. She fears she will be left alone, she fears I will take off and never come back, she fears I will drive and get into a car accident and that accident will claim my life.

She fears being alone, each curtain is drawn, each blind shut, each door locked, each space check and re-checked. I must call her on my work brake, my lunch brake, and when I am on my way home. If I do not do that she will call me and ask when I will be home, if I am on my way home.

Her father who lives in California, she went to visit him at 8 years old. She cried at the airport in my arms weeping as if she lost her puppy, weeping as if the plane will crash and she will no longer see me. Once she arrived all she did was cry, she wept so badly her father had her call me.

I talked her down from the panic attack and told her repeatedly she is coming home, she needs to visit her father, she needs to learn to be without me for that brief moment. I told her over and over, "baby, I love you, you know that but you need to see your father, you need to spend time with him."

After two days of straight crying, he put her on a plane and sent her home early. It broke his heart that his own daughter didn't want to be with him. For NINE YEARS I have talked her down from panic attacks, I have grabbed her to stop her from shaking, I have had to tell her "just breath" for nine years I have felt my life is on hold and don't even get me started about me dating!

Each time I go out on a date she calls me repeatedly over and over actually killing the date and me going home from enjoying my time and space out as an adult! I have ignored her calls and tried to let her find her own path and talk herself down from her panic attacks and yet, to no avail, it was a failure of an episode.

Dealing with a child that suffers from panic attacks, it makes me wonder how will she continue in life? Just yesterday 8/7/2017 she went off with a long time friend the mother of her friend and sister of her friend to Tacoma Washington. A family friend has all the bells and whistles of fun that anyone could ever imagine.

He has jet skis, speed boats and he lives right on the ocean floor waters. He has this amazing beach house (so I'm told) the plan is my daughter Sela and her friend and family members are driving up to Tacoma and stay two nights and three days filled with fun and laughter. They are going tubing while being pulled on the boat, they will jet ski, eat rich delicious foods, sit by the fire toasting marshmallows and enjoys s'mores.

Well this morning I awoke to 25 missed calls from Sela and then finally answering her phone call (against my better judgment) she was crying so hard, she could barely breath, I could hear the quivering of fear in her breath, I could hear the snot running down her nose. She is miserable and hating life and wants me to drive up and get her.

How is she to continue in life without me when I die from old age? How is she to go off to college and enjoy life as what is deemed a normal person finding her way? How is she to fall in love, get married, and have her own family if she is acting this way?

Helping a child or young teen through panic attacks is very real. Attached is a link that you can follow if you feel your child suffers panic attacks and exactly what symptom's occur.

WebMD offers some great advice as well.

This morning after talking to her she called yet again and with great pains in my heart and great heaviness in my bones, I let the phone ring. The one thing through therapy that I have learned is the older a child gets that suffers these panic attacks is to let themselves try to get out of it faster than when they fell into it.

Helping a child grow up that suffers from  panic attacks is painful yet crippling to the parent. I feel as if my life has been on hold for the past nine years. Sela made a comment once, "when I go to college at Washington University (located in Seattle) you will be moving with me"

I am beginning to wonder how much truth there actually is to her statement?

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Oh The Joys of Being A Single Mom!

Growing up and trying to blend my life into what was expected of me by my parents, never in my life did I ever expect to cross paths of my plan my mother so carefully laid out for me (expectations I was just shocked over) never in my life did I ever think I would be a single parent.

My whole family is married with kids, their kids have been dating the either the same person for years or living together, yet me, I am the single one often referred to as, "you know who I'm talking about, she's the single mother, the daughter of Pauline and Del."

I have always been referred to as "Don's sister, Pauline's daughter, Del's daughter, Sara's mother, Sela's mother." I have NEVER been referred to by my name. I don't understand why my mom even named me?

I do know that growing up I often pissed off my dad and when the anger hit the wall well, closely behind came those famous words he would roar, "dammit child" after being told that for years I began to wonder if that was my first and last name?

I do however remember as a young child standing in the grocery store with my dad one afternoon someone asked me what my name was and I looked at my dad and knew this was my moment to shine, this was my revenge as always being called "dammit child" I would turn with a snicker to my lips and my eyes wide with revenge. I would muster up the challenge and gleam with pride at the strange telling them "DAMMIT CHILD"

My dad just tossed his head back and laughed with such a belly laugh and the poor woman who just had to know my name well, she stood there bug-eyed and her jaw dropping to the ground.

Through all the laughter and memories growing up as a child, having the life that I did never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would be the one single and with kids. I always imagined myself married, a husband, a white picket fence, money in the bank, traveling with my hubby and kids, you get it having the whole life that married people do.

I can tell you though living as a single parent I have always wondered if I have short changed my daughters out of a dad. Let's just put it in layman's terms. Imagine your walking through the grocery store and you know just how to pick out the best steak within the market. You know exactly what to look for. One with very little fat, rich in color, thick and juicy, well when it comes to me picking out men I would be the one in the grocery store picking out a steak that has expired!

Yet, for some reason after I pick out the expired steak I would tell myself, "I can save it, I can put lots of spice and flavor on it and no one would ever know it has expired."

Yep, I have the broken picker if I were to point my finger at a man I thought was a good man to be with a man who was great for my kids, my finger would look like it was run over by a steam roller then puffed back up and then butchered once again.

As a single parent I know just for speaking to myself I have lived with so much guilt of pain wondering just why I always picked the wrong guy. My daughter's of course have always been somewhat supportive, somewhat caring, and then there were times my daughter's would look at me and wonder just what the hell I was smoking?

I do know I have become the strongest woman one can ever imagine being. I have had to learn to depend on myself and myself only when it comes to repairing the garbage disposal (yes, I have lost a lot of broom sticks that way) when trying to fix the plumbing in the shower because of the massive clogs from my daughter's hair. I have always pulled out something that resembled a wadded watered down and mutilated bundle of dead rat often leaving my kids running and screaming in fear and me ready to hurl at the sight of what I just pulled from the drain and trying to not puke at the not only the smell but the sight.

As a single parent we have to be both the dad and the mom and often I have noticed I am more of the dad then the mom. My tender heart and loving ways is often interrupted by my stern demeanor and lecturing ways of doing things right.

I often wonder if other single parents wonder if there is always more we can be doing, are we doing to much or are we not doing enough? Sure the life as a single parent from someone wealthy is super easy but not every single parent has it that good.

I wonder if I love kids enough, if I don't love them enough, I wonder if I'm working to much or not working enough? When my daughters turn to me and they want those "in style" jeans and tops and they look at me with their wide eyes in hopes that I say yes and yet, I have to tell them, "maybe next month baby, I have just to much I have to pay out this month" that is when I see the sadness rip through their faces and the pain that follows.

My heart breaks and I know that they deserve so much better than the life I am trying to give them. I wonder if they will appreciate me for the hard work I am trying to do and still divide my time up and be with them?

Do I hug them enough or do they need more hugs? When there is that special day at school for the "Father-Daughter Dance" do their hearts break, do they secretly cry at night because they don't have a dad to go to school with and show off to their friends? I always knew from the school bulletin when those Father/Daughter days were coming. I always kept my daughters out of school that day and take them to the beach or to the fun zone and try to make up for what I lacked, a husband and a father for my daughters.

Don't even get me started with DATING! One guy came to the door for my oldest daughter and when I opened up that door and saw what was standing outside all I could do is drop my mouth, wonder if I should ask to see his latest RAP SHEET from his criminal background, his horrible communication, his lack of cleanliness, and all I could say was..."OH HELL NO!" followed with the slamming of the door on his face.

I can teach my daughters to be a great woman, I can teach them to be strong independent women, I can teach them to do laundry, cook, how to love kids, but do I have what it takes to show them what a man should teach them about dating and men?

The stress of being a single parent will keep you up at night, it will always make you second guess yourself, it will create a great divide from your soul and your heart, it will make you strong and independent often to independent.

There was a guy that I was dating and when he tried to fix something for me all I could do was sit back and critique what he was doing wrong and tell him, "your not doing that right, move I will do it" talking about deflating a man's ego!

Oh the joys of being a single mom!

Friday, August 4, 2017

When Life Gives You Lemons

We have all heard it, time and time again our mother's telling us that life is hard, life is not fair and there will be days when you just want to crawl into bed and just forget your entire day and often your entire life.

Yep, life is unfair and I am the one that has drilled into my kids heads, "there will be times when life is grand and everything is going your way, you will wonder what lucky penny you picked up or what good deed you have done to be so blessed. But, then there will days when life just gives you a bucket of crap and you will stand there with your heart in your hand and in so much pain, yet how you deal with it is what will make you a better person."

People say that when life is hard it builds character, it is supposed to be a learning curve of what NOT TO DO and then at the same time, we often wonder why something so hard is coming down the pike into our very own world, our space and we stand there puzzled and in shock.

I was at work the other day and I am sure by now some if not many have already figured out where I work and its NOT Walmart. We give out these gift cards that reward our shoppers for shopping and their dedication to your store. They come in different increments and most of them are for $5.00 but often we run a promotion that if you spend in upwards of $200 or more you can be rewarded with some in the dollar value of $20.00.

And Here Comes The Lemons!

Just last week I was called into my managers office and she sat me down asking me to explain to her how the gift cards are handed out. 

  • Customer makes purchase
  • Scan gift card
  • Write on back the dollar amount 
  • Hand back to customer
  • Explain to them they can use it towards their next purchase
As I sat in front of my boss she keeps flipping through about five or six pages of paper that has been printed off. She looks at me and explains to me that I am being accused of scanning these gift cards ad not handing them back to the guest yet keeping it for myself and then taking them out to various stores to use them towards MY OWN purchases.

I sat there shocked and dumfounded that she would even want to accuse me of such a horrible act. I was so pissed.

Employer/Management Verification

Each time I head down to my register I am to log in using my employee number and then a four digit password. That number tells the store:

  • How long I am on the register
  • What is run up
  • How many discount cards I give out and the dollar amount 
  • How many checks are written
  • Cash is given
  • Debit cards are used
So it looks like I scanned a gift card, kept it for myself and then used it at a different store for my own purchases. How do they find out? It's simple, when someone uses that gift card it has the number of the employee who gave that card to the customer. So supposedly when I used this so called "gift card" it had MY NUMBER on it making it look like I used it for myself instead of giving it back to the customer.

I have been employed with them since November of last year. I have given my time, my soul, my dedication to this store. I have worked for a variety of people when they are in a jam and they need help with their schedule. I am the first person to stand up for them and tell them I can work your schedule.

Then there are times I am loud, obnoxious, and yes even rude. When you or anyone that you know gets a job, you are your only advocate for that job. You are the one that has to watch out for your own well being. I have never been late, I have never called in sick and I certainly wouldn't want to jeopardize my income for a stupid $20.00 gift card.

I asked my boss how many were done under my number and she tells me, "I cant tell you that" so she wants to accuse me of doing something but she cant tell me how many times it was done? She continues to ask me over and over, "is there anything you want to tell me, anything at all?"
What is there to tell her? I didn't do it. I am beginning to wonder if I forgot to log out when I went on my break and when another cashier stepped in possibly they did it??

So today, I am to go to work and I find out my fate of my employment. I am just so pissed that they would want to accuse me of something so ridiculous and so far fetched!

Yes there have been times I have been pissed and trust me when I share how I had no problem taking out anyone who wanted to screw me under or hurt me in some fashion because they either didn't like me or they wanted to see me gone. I have voiced my thoughts and yes, there were a few "F-Bombs" that came out because I felt violated.

A friend of mine told me do not sign any paper that is a warning, tell them you want to see proof of me doing this. Tell them to pull the cameras and show me doing this. You see, if I sign the warning it makes me look like I did it and if I don't sign the warning then I get fired. Either way, I'M SCREWED!" 

Yep, life does give you lemons and when it does, just make lemonade. I cant be unemployed, I have a child I have to support, I have a child I need to take care of.

God Be With Me Today!

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Current Inventory

Black Evening Gown with Embroider Red Roses & Shimmering Crystals 

Coral Evenng Gown great for Ballroom Dancing. Light weight metallic Embellishments 

Stunning Deep Purple Evening Gown with extended train. Comes with attached crystals around bodice and back side of dress 

Junior Brides Maids Dress 

Deep Lavender Evening Gown with faux crystal embellishments attached at top. 

For any information regarding any of these dresses contact me directly @

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Facebook Page

Well, now that I am home and somewhat recovered from my somewhat HORRIBLE vacation, oh yeah, the day we leave my daughter Sela wakes up and tells me that something bite her in the foot during the night. She mentioned that just regular scratching wasn't cutting the job to stop the itch so she takes off the bottle cap to her water bottle and began itching her foot that way.

Not only did she cut open her foot using the lid to her water bottle, her foot blew up twice the size and was flaming red. I of course drove to the nearest grocery store and bought Benadryl and something called "after bite" applied it and of course what happens...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

I thought vacations were supposed to build memories and growth as a family. But man, this was a vacation I think I need healing from. The only thing missing from this vacation was me in a car accident!

So back to my Facebook Page for Wedding Dress Wishes...

I am just so baffled by the outcome of "LIKES" from a page that basically has nothing to it. And I mean nothing! There are no post of people donating wedding dresses, there is no advertising of it, there is no pictures of the dresses I have on hand which consist of:

One coral flowing dress with straps
One purple dress
One burgundy junior brides maids dress
One mother of the bride/groom dress
One wedding dress

Maybe if I add them it might make a difference but those are dresses I bought on my own. They were never donated or given to me I bought these in hopes of grabbing the attention of others wanting to purchase them.

I even started a eBay page to sell my dresses and wow I have a ton of views but not one bite! 

I have put these dresses on Craigslist, passed out my business cards, you name it I have done it. I tell people my mission and what I want to do and I get a TON of people telling me that I am doing a noble thing yet, not one dress ever comes my way. 

I think its time I hang it up and give up.